


Don't Want No Other Shade of Blue But You

by walkthatlonesomevalley



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26983660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkthatlonesomevalley/pseuds/walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: What happened after the finale.
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 65
Kudos: 303





	1. Chapter 1

What followed my whole ordeal was a media circus. Within an hour, our entire town was swarmed by reporters and news vans like they were busy bees. We didn't even have time to get back safely inside our house before the cameras arrived. My mom had been outed to the whole town. I had to sit inside myself with Blair closeby and try not to dig through it all while my mind swam with this new and heavy sadness.

"Sterling."

"Don't," I had asked. 

My mom wanted me to talk but I couldn't be ready.

After the whole shooting and the arrest, Blair and I had Bowser drive us home. We both sat in the back seat and Blair held my hand. It was intense and she squeezed it so tight. It was like she was trying to tell me: it doesn't matter, we ARE sisters. It's all the same. 

My mom couldn't say anything until we got home. When she tried, I walked up the stairs just to get away from her.

I was living here but my entire life was a lie. My parents weren't my parents. My twin was not my twin. My real mom was a crazy woman who kidnapped people, smoked, and was going to jail.

When it really got down to it. I was alone in my life. I had no one. And nowhere to go.

Maybe Ellen saw that in me. She was always having one-on-ones with me and giving me things like the fellowship position at school.

I didn't deserve that but April did. I did my best but I hardly tried.

"What are you doing out here?"

The voice had come from the side of the house. And if I hadn't looked and actually seen her I would've thought it was all a dream.

April appeared from out of the darkness. I tried to remember the last time she'd been at my home. Did she talk to me? Did we talk?

I couldn't remember. 

Just now, I'd been trying to get away from my family and the fighting, all their noise. Blair was upset. Really upset. She yelled at them and said I could've died. Which was definitely true. But the words were loud and, after everything, I wanted to be all alone. So many people had hurt me today.

But I couldn't leave the house out the front, since it wasn't safe. The result of my struggle was me sitting outside in my backyard on the side concrete steps, a little hidden away.

As April came close, appearing from nowhere, still in her pjs from the lock-in, I felt my eyelids close, tears slipped right out.

"It's okay," she said, coming closer and gently kissing me. She sat down by my side, easily slipping in close and sneaking in a well-practiced touch. Her chest pushed up and in against mine.

Either she knew I was still scared from my night or she knew that I wanted to feel her again.

My heart rushed and chest rose as I gasped in a surprised breath. I felt unstable from all the scary things. Being taken. Being tied up. Being trapped. 

And then there was the extra stuff. Like, after our night, I thought she'd never touch me again. 

Tears slipped out from my eyes as she kissed me strongly, forcing me to feel her. Then she lovingly touched at my face. Her tongue swam inside me and I felt both relief and confusion. Along with a strong need. Her words were in my mind but I didn't want to have to go back or think about anything. How she tore me apart. How she flirted with Luke just to hurt me.

If we could keep kissing I wouldn't have to think about that. But I also didn't have the right to ask her for anything. According to our history, I wasn't even good for her and I knew that I hadn't helped her or noticed her. I hadn't been enough.

The thought crossed my mind that this couldn't be real. 

She wasn't real. I'd been through too much and I was probably dreaming. Maybe in shock.

Then, I felt her forehead press in against mine. We both breathed in and matched our pace with our air.

"Are you real?" My voice cracked. Until just then I'd been scared to even breathe.

"Yes." She laughed and breathed at the same time. And then she kissed me again and stroked my cheek. "I'm real," she said. 

To know it was too much. Tired and overwhelmed, I started to cry. I'd been absently weeping before but this was letting the floodgates release.

I'd almost died. Almost been killed or really hurt.

But April had already hurt me. She probably didn't think so, and it was probably wrong, but it was so easy to think about disappearing if I couldn't have her.

"It's okay," she soothed, holding me. 

I sobbed against her until I couldn't anymore. I was thirsty and my body hurt in so many places. April held me and pet my hair.

"Why are you here," I asked, once the time had passed and I was able to calm down enough to let myself wonder.

April didn't answer. She held me to her and I pulled back so I could look at her. "Oh," I said, realizing that she had been crying too. I touched a finger to her tears and tried to dry them. "It's okay. I'm okay," I tried.

"No," she said, stopping my hand. "I'm fine," she lied. "I just hate it."

"What," I said, worried. 

She'd already decided that I wasn't enough for her so I shouldn't be surprised. But it hurt. If she hated being here she shouldn't have come.

"You didn't have to come," I reminded. 

"When Ellen got the call, she put the news on the TV and… There you were- wrapped up in a blanket. And you were hurt and - and- crying. Everyone was so scared."

"Oh," I said, unable to imagine it the way it had probably been. "So, you were worried. Because- they were worried."

"No," she said, possibly hurt. "They said you'd been kidnapped."

"Yeah," I said, unsure of why she was saying this to me. I was kidnapped. 

"I was terrified," April said. 

"I'm okay," I reminded.

"No you're not," April said. "And the only reason you were even out there was because of me."

Oh… 

There was a high possibility that she only felt bad because of...

"Guilt."

"No," she said. "No," she repeated it and then shook me a little bit. "Love," she corrected me. 

I looked up at her face and watched her. Then, I felt my entire self swoon. 

With April, it was really so easy. It didn't matter how much she had hurt me, I still fell. Maybe harder even.

"Huh?"

"It's uh. It's not guilt." Through tears, she laughed. "I promise. Swear to God." She pointed up to the heavens like she was prone to. It was a signature move. She did it so much that I even did it sometimes. Blair did it too.

I swallowed hard in my throat. So much of me was wrapped up in her. Just like Luke, only, so different since, I never noticed it before. 

April was so confusing. She was either loving me or hurting me and I never could understand why, I just knew that I felt her. She went from denying me to flirting with my ex and now she was so quickly saying the word love.

"I love you too," I blurted out.

My mouth betrayed me.

April laughed, a closed-mouth laugh that had her rolling her eyes, taking a deep breath and then nodding knowingly like she possibly understood.

"I mean it," I said, watching her. She was being so confusing and my life was an actual nightmare right now.

"I know," she squeaked. And I didn't know why she was scared.

"Can you stay with me? Just tonight?"

"Yes," she said, so quick that I knew it would happen.

My heart was thumping so hard in my chest. I didn't want her to go. That was all I could think. "I just don't want you to go."

"I said yes, Sterl," April reminded. Her voice lowered down to a whisper as she squeezed my body close. 

"Okay," I said, relaxing a bit. April didn't know it yet, how complicated it all was or how scared I had been. 

"I wanted to stay with you anyway," she confessed.

"Tonight?" She'd said all that stuff at the lock in. It was hard to forget.

But then, "every night," April said.

I smiled then and kissed her cheeks over and over again.

"Stop," April laughed. 

"I don't want to," I growled playfully back. I pulled at her sweater to get her to stay close to me.

"I don't think you realize how important you've always been to me."

I swallowed again and watched her face, trying to understand her. How could this have been hiding here? Was it always here. Every day?

"I just thought you hated me," I said. And I knew that hadn't been the case currently but nothing I did ever made sense to her and she was always on me and judging me.

"I hated missing you," April said. "Not being a part of you. It changed everything." 

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"It's complicated," April sniffed. "And I don't think you know what it feels like to always be removed or second best."

To be honest, I didn't know what she was talking about. We all won and we all lost. We all rotated in our triumphs and tragedies.

"You were always winning," I said, staring at her. God, she was so sexy. It tore me up. Made me sure I was gay.

"That isn't true," she said. "We see things differently."

"Yeah, but, I wanna understand you," I pushed.

April stared at me, taking in my whole face. 

"What?" I asked, confused by what she saw or what it was that she was thinking.

"Nothing," she lied and then she smiled at me. Her eyes were drunk with lust and I knew that feeling well.

"Take me to bed," she ordered.

"What? Oh!" I said, realizing that she wanted us to go. "Okay," I said, frazzled. I stood up and took her hand. "Come on," I said, trying to hide the enamored smirk on my face.

"We're still a secret," she reminded. But the comment was soft and kind instead of scared and angry.

"Okay," I said. But it still hurt inside to know I wasn't enough for her to want to be out with me. 

We walked back inside and I locked us away inside my dark bedroom. 

"I remember this," April said.

We both changed in the dark, stripping out of our cardigans. I'd already showered and changed. I'd sweat so much from the fear and I didnt like the faint memory of that car and that trailer smell.

As April talked I felt all that stuff floating away. She remembered my room.

"Which part," I wondered. 

And when I turned around I saw her standing and watching me. 

"Everything," she said, unable to part her eyes from my gaze. 

She told me that she had realized she was gay when she was in first grade. So in fifth grade she must've been aware of me. Or maybe…

I watched her and wondered. 

As she came close and wrapped me up in a hug, all I could think was, "I can't believe it's only been me."

"That's okay," April said. 

And she kissed my neck which made me feel so many wonderful things. I felt her hand slip up beneath my shirt, her fingers grazing and tickling me. 

"It was worth the wait," she whispered. And then her tongue pressed firm against my neck and dragged over my pulse point. I felt my sex practically explode. 

"Huh!"

"Lay down," April whispered. 

I crawled back onto the bed and watched as she crawled in ontop of me, covering my body with hers and starting to taste my skin again.

It was wonderful and it was paralyzing. So much in me was frozen but I loved it and I wanted it. I wanted her.

"Is this okay," she asked.

"Yeah," I panted and nodded. "You just feel… So good," I thirstily laughed.

"Okay," she breathed, worried. "Just tell me, okay? If it's too much. It's hard to stop myself from wanting you."

"I will," I nodded. But, truth was, she was about to devour me.


	2. One Night, Only?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sterling tries to decipher April's most recent actions. Of course, that's impossible to do when the girl is still standing right there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on writing more chapters but I miss these fools too much already. No promises on where this is going or how long it will be. <3

Chapter 2

Slow drags of her tongue, longingly slipped up my neck in a place I never thought I’d get to feel her taste.

My mouth hung open and it was very hard to exist or breathe.

We ended up making out for what felt like hours and it must’ve been.

I fell asleep once she stopped kissing me long enough for the overall exhaustion to set in.

In the morning I awoke, confused and a bit surprised with myself.

April was awake and holding me. She had a book open and her expression was serene.

I looked into her and breathed deeply. Her crooked smile grew as she stole a sideways glance that only made me hug her tighter.

I’d been sleeping on her, holding her body with my head on her shoulder. Instead of pushing me off or leaving altogether she stayed with me in my room. She had stayed all night and she let me wake up to her. Despite everything she said before, all that scary sad stuff about needing to be non-sexual and straight for her dad.

“I was wondering when you’d finally come to.”

“Wha-ah- yeah,” I laughed. 

“That’s okay. Lord knows, you deserve to rest after everything you’ve been through.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. For a second I was able to forget about what happened but then I remembered everything. 

“What’s this,” I wondered, tugging on the book she held up before her in her hand. 

“Nothing important,” she said, lowering it down onto her lap and looking at me. 

A nervous blush rose to my cheeks and I tried not to remember how sad I had been yesterday.

Even still, everything about April made me hot. I was warm in my cheeks and my lips. Warm at the backs of my ears. 

Plus, there was this addiction I had, to stare at her. All week it had been a problem. I felt sick with it, especially now when I wasn’t sure how she really felt about me. When I knew she was probably only here because she felt bad.

Knock, knock, knock.

I hugged April tight and she stiffened.

“Come on Sterl, let me in,” Blair grumpily asked.

April sat up and got up from the bed. I got up to and stared at April as I paced.

“It’s okay,” I said, worried about her. 

April swallowed a lump and rubbed the back of her neck beneath her hair. 

I opened the door to find Blair fully dressed and still beat up from our unforgettable night of betrayal and terror.

“I have to get out of here,” she said. “Mom’s driving me nuts and Dad can’t even string together a coherent statement for the press.”

Blair pushed her way into the room, moving me back before she began to verbally unload on me. 

“Why’s your door locked anyway? You never lock it. Not once- Oh,” she said then, noticing April. 

I pushed the door shut and locked it again.

Blair and April stared strongly at one another and refused to pass words. They both knew that the other knew. I blinked and wondered what, if anything, I could say.

“Did you two bone in here? I sleep in that bed,” Blair raised her eyebrows with the accusation flat out.

“What? No,” I corrected her. "We haven't-"

April crossed her arms and started to chuckle. 

“It- it wasn’t like that. April just came to comfort me. Which was really really sweet of her and she didn’t have to do it at all.”

I looked to April, all my wants and dreams resting far behind my eyes in some elaborate fantasy that could probably never ever be.

“Oh,” Blair retorted. “That’s cute,” she decided, with a shrug.

“Cute?” April asked, obviously shocked by her new reaction.

“Miles and I always boned when we were together. I was actually kind of mad at him when we didn’t.”

“Blair,” I laughed. 

“What? It’s true,” Blair shrugged at me.

“I know,” I laughed, grateful for her.

Then I remembered again. That she wasn’t really my sister. The memory was like a heavy flood in me.

My heart dropped in my chest and my whole body felt heavy.

“Uh- Sterl- Hey - Um… We should all go get some coffee," Blair suggested. 

I already knew she’d been really worried about me. It’s not every day you find out your real mom is some stranger, not to mention a repeat offender of the law.

“What?” April said, confused and squinting at Blair suspiciously. The last time the three of us had chosen to hang out? Gosh, it must've been in fifth grade. 

“Yeah. Yeah,” Blair nodded, somewhat convincingly. “You two are like, a thing now, and- I want Sterling to be happy, so…”

“What are you saying?” April asked.

“We should- be friends,” Blair said. But their long history made the words sound something sour, like an act or maybe a lie on Blair’s side.

I couldn't even trace it back, when Blair had started to hate April and why.

“Yeah, that’s rich,” April laughed.

“Hey,” I said. I reached out to April and touched the side of her arm near her elbow. “It- it’s okay- we can go out," I said softly. 

“I guess,” April said, not too excited about the prospect.

"You don't have to," I said. I had really heard her back at school when she said all those things. Her fear was ripe and valid and I was way too worried about hurting her again. She made her choice.

April searched me and pushed her hair back behind her ear while she thought about it.

“Oh come on. Gimme a break here,” Blair begged. "How was I supposed to know you two were like flirting? I just thought you were being a jerk again,” she directed at April.

“Fine,” April said, deciding and cutting her off.

“Really?” I asked, staring into April nervously. 

“I’m thirsty,” April shrugged.

“Okay,” I said, accepting it and lighting up like a Christmas tree. "Gosh, this is so exciting. I can't believe it's going to be just us three!"

“Two minutes,” Blair said. “Dad got the police to push the vultures off onto the sidewalk so we can take the truck.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding. Blair walked around me, looking between April and I suspiciously. As Blair exited the room April started to pull her top up over her head and take it off in the quiet of her own thoughts. She had a bag and she bent down to pull a t-shirt out from it. Her back was bare and beautiful, with soft skin and a mole near her hip that I couldn't remember ever having seen. 

I took a step closer, instinctively, wanting to touch her. But then I remembered- who I was, who we were. All the things that she had said. And I stopped myself.

I’d been staring now and I noticed myself staring.

April turned and noticed too, just in the second I’d been meaning to stop. 

Surprise hit her first - and then the smirk and the blush, a positive and not so subtle change. Her new shirt was tighter than usual. It wasn’t as modest, and it showed off her chest. I wondered if she brought it for me. Was that bag packed before of after the lock-in?

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” April warned me. 

“Uh- yeah?” I asked nervously. Around April, I never knew what to do with myself or my hands. I played with my fingernails and kept my arms straight down at my sides. I didn't want to scare her or bother her. And every time we were in the same room I fought to find the right way to just be.

“Oh, believe me, if I didn’t want you to look you’d be in prison by now.”

“Oh!” I laughed, flushed and worried. I touched the back of my neck nervously and looked down and away.

“It’s a compliment,” April said. She turned around and started to change from her shorts into a pair of blue jeans. “I know you stare at me Sterling.”

“You do?”

“Mhm, I can feel it.”

I swallowed another lump and noticed how much better she looked in a pair of blue jeans. The Academy always had us wearing the same old boring vests and stale khakis. This was different in so many ways. It was like. I don’t know. She was a dream.

April turned to face me and walk close. “You should probably work on that. Other people might think you’re in love with me.”

It was clear she was teasing me. Staring right at me and coming so close.

I opened my mouth to speak but I was too slow. April walked around me to grab a hair-tie off of my desk and pull her hair back. “Can I use your bathroom?”

“Uh- yeah, just um- Oh, you know-”

“Yeah, I know where it is,” she laughed at me. 

She kept on walking into my space, touching me subtly and staring at me. When she was close, I couldn’t take it. My entire mind went blank and I couldn’t function anymore.

“You better get dressed,” she advised, and she licked her lips while taking a second to gaze in at mine, her eyes so pretty and so close. “Your sister might try to murder you if you don’t hurry up.”

“Huh- yeah,” I laughed and watched as April's gaze shifted, her body suddenly moving away.

By the time I could function again she'd walked out my door and left me alone inside, standing there.

I held my stomach and tried to form normal thoughts. Why was it so easy for her to unravel me? Did she even mean to? Was she even trying?

I threw myself on my bed and groaned into my pillow. The way she was acting, I was definitely cursed.


	3. Secret Confessions in a Quiet Truck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise outing leads Sterling and April into some secluded time alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. They're too addicting so I had to keep going! 
> 
> disclaimer: ANGST AHEAD

Chapter 3

We climbed into the truck quietly. April grabbed my arm and pushed me to go in first. 

Since she'd just changed and cleaned up, she smelled like heaven and I had to try my best not to be completely intoxicated by it.

"God, get in slowpoke."

I took April's hand and helped her step up. The truck door quickly slammed shut and I heard the seatbelt being pulled. 

"Buckle up," Blair said, looking back at me through the rearview mirror. Usually I would ride up front with Blair but April was here and I didn't exactly know what she wanted from me.

"You can sit up front. If you want," I told April.

"No," she breathed. "This is good."

I swallowed hard and looked over at her. Then I heard Blair clear her throat from the driver's seat. "Uh-huh-hrm. So! If you weren't discovering the big O last night. What exactly were you two doing?"

"Nothing," I laughed. I didn't want to out April anymore than I already had. She was obviously scared about it.

"Your sister was sad," April said, ready to stick up for me even when it was not at all necessary.

"So, she knows?" Blair asked.

"Everybody does," April said. 

"The news," I reminded Blair. We hadn't been watching it but according to April everyone else had.

"Shit," Blair cursed. 

"You okay?" I wondered. I'd been so caught up in my own sadness I hadn't had time to talk to Blair. Well, that, and she was so mad yesterday.

"Yeah it's just…"

Blair looked back between us, like she might admit something, but then she turned around again and started up the truck.

"Nothing," she lied. 

"It- it's not the worst thing," I tried to see brightness.

April reached over and took my hand. I felt her beside me but I'd been purposely trying to give her some space.

"You're so positive Sterl."

"No, I just. So what, right?" I tried. "Everyone has secrets and oh, I don't know- oddball relatives?"

"An oddball relative is like a weird cousin that likes to make picture frames out of gummy bears, Sterl. This isn't that."

That was true.

"So I should be depressed?" I asked. "Completely succumb to it? Let it drown me."

"No," Blair said, exchanging a hard look.

"Good because I can't even handle this stuff right now."

"It's okay," Blair said. 

April squeezed my hand and I looked down on it feeling that paralyzing feeling again. 

Everything was so temporary in my life. I squeezed April's hand but then I took mine back and tucked both my hands between my legs so she couldn't hold them.

"Where- ah- where are we going," I wondered, dazed. 

"It's a surprise, " Blair said.

"What?"

"What? I already said."

I laid my head back against the headrest and shut my eyes.

April ran her hand down my arm and held it at the elbow, petting my skin with her other hand.

It was soothing and nice but everything about this was confusing me right now.

"Are you okay?"

"No," I shook my head. "I don't want to exist anymore."

"Don't say that," Blair ordered. "You have to exist because I have to exist."

"Okay," I softly agreed. 

April leaned up and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. "It'll be okay," she whispered reassuringly.

I opened my eyes and looked down at her. Of course she was perfect and so so beautiful. Even more so now that she'd broken me.

Her promises could be fake. She said she had me and then she immediately dumped me in the harshest way. The only thing that could've been worse would be if she had outed me first. And actually kissed Luke in front of me.

As I stared at her I couldn't shake the rejected feeling I put off when we were together in the night. 

The truck entered a parking lot and went over a bump. I was thrown a little, onto April. April caught me and held me. Her arms easily embraced me to keep me safe.

"Sorry," I whispered. My lips had landed on her neck.

"You don't have to apologize to me, " she sweetly said. "Not ever again."

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head a little. I'd cried so much the night before but still a tear slipped right out of my eye and I sniffled. 

"We're here," Blair said. I pushed back. 

April wiped my tear and we both looked out at what appeared to be some sort of policemen gathering.

"Uh. Blair?" I said. 

"It's for Bowser. Come on."

There was a news crew and a bunch of picnic tables in a parking lot. 

"Oh my god," I laughed and covered my mouth.

When people started to notice me they looked to Bowser and started to clap and cheer.

I looked to April, surprised about it. It was a celebratory local breakfast.

April smiled up at me. 

Ahead of us, at the end of a long red carpet, Bowser was sitting on what appeared to be a giant throne. A golden king crown adorned his head, while he wore a royal red robe, and a sash that said: Town Hero.

"Oh wow," Blair laughed as we all grew close enough to really see.

"Bowser?! This is amazing," I laughed.

"Yeah. You're finally getting the treatment you deserve," Blair said.

He stood up, hugged Blair first and then me.

"Apparently the town wanted to thank you," April noted from my side. 

"Well they should," I said. 

Truth was, I needed to thank him too but how?

"I'm just glad you're alright kiddo."

"Thank you," I said, squeezing him tight. 

"Oh, and who is this?"

"April Stevens," she said, holding out her hand. 

"Steven's," he said, taking her hand and looking between us.

"Yes. That Stevens," she confirmed. 

"Well. I heard about your father. That's a tragic thing."

"Which?" April asked. "The part where he's a monster who beats women or the part where he came back and was never properly penalised?"

"Uhhhhh-" Bowser looked down at her confused. Those two choices were both bleak.

"Be normal, April," Blair asked.

"Uh- Right," April said after squinting her eyes closed. When she opened her eyes again she made direct eye contact and smiled, "Thank you, for your concern."

Bowser nodded and then seemed to remember something. "Oh! I forgot," he said, pulling a piece of paper from his fancy robe pocket. "There's a new skip."

Blair stepped in and stole the paper quickly, unfolding it and showing it to me. 

"Skip?" April asked.

"Oh, it's nothing," I lied. "We help Bowswr sometimes. He's ahhh-private investigator!" I decided to say.

We all exchanged looks.

"Uh. Yeah, that's right," Bowser said just to cover for me. I smiled up at him guiltily.

"I don't get it," April laughed. 

"Yeah. And you don't have to," Blair said. 

"I can tell you later," I comforted. April nodded and looked into me. 

People kept coming up to Bowser and patting him on the back. 

"Well. Come on," Bowser blushed. The positive attention was doing good things to him. "Y'all should eat. This is your party too."

"Oh!" We realized. 

"Sit-Sit! I'll get us some plates," Blair said. 

We squeezed ourself onto the end of a bench and Bowser amused April with the story of Blair and how she figured out where I was.

It was troubling to imagine Blair's panic. I knew what I was going through but she must've been so so scared.

It was a lot and I still hadn't really digested it all. 

Sitting next to April, I was too afraid to touch her and she didn't even try to touch me so I knew I was right to leave her be.

As we sat beside each other, listening, I started to realize that I was right about the night. It was just a one time thing. April being sweet to me because she felt bad. 

Maybe she thought I might hurt myself or something.

We eventually got back into the truck and I tried not to seem sad.

"Shit. Miles called," Blair said nervously.

"Hm?"

"He wants to meet. Can you drop me?"

"Wha- uh. Well, yeah. Sure," I stumbled. 

"He says it's important. About last night."

"Okay," I said, far too aware of April's body next to mine, how our silence had become a mutual thing. Usually April was always talking but not today.

Blair drove us to a little park that was pretty much empty and shaded by large trees.

I watched Blair quickly hop out of the truck to leave me. But then she turned and seemed to ponder something. 

"Okay. Um. Shit," Blair cursed.

"What is it?"

"You don't have your phone."

"Oh," I realized. "Yeah… No." It had been thrown into traffic, probably decimated. Either way, it was long gone.

"We can wait here," I said, looking between Blair and April.

"Yeah. Sure," April said. "I can have Hannah B pick me up if I must."

"Oh," I said, feeling a pang in my side. 

April put her hand on my thigh to comfort me. I looked up at her, confused.

"Oh- okay," Blair said. She looked to me and then back to April. "Ya know what, shit. Gimme your phone."

"Oh," April said. She pulled her phone out and handed it to her. 

"Just text me if you guys want to go. I'll have miles drop me off."

She handed the phone back after punching her number inside.

"Here," she said, handing me her keys. "You sure you're okay?"

I shrugged and she stepped back up into the truck to properly hug me.

"You're still my twin," she whispered.

I laughed and then whispered, "go on, go get your guy."

"I love you," Blair said.

"I love you too."

As she pulled away, I felt my heart hurt and ache.

I scooted over onto the driver's side and locked the door.

"You're awfully quiet," April noted.

"Yeah," I breathed nervously. 

April looked around. There was no one in the park and Miles's car was already leaving with Blair tucked safely inside. 

"Should I take you home now?"

"No," April said.

I looked over at her, more confused. 

"I like this," April said.

I looked up at her sadly and allowed myself to smirk. 

"Do you know, you're so beautiful when you cry?"

"Hm?"

"Well. You're always beautiful," April huffed a sweet laugh. "I just mean. It's really hard. Not to kiss you when you're like this."

"Is this the part where you tell me nothing's changed and we still can't be together?"

"No," April said, shaking her head. "I've already done that one. Is that why you're so sad?"

I swallowed awkwardly and felt the tears slipping out of my eyes again. I honestly couldn't look at her. Instead, I turned away and wiped my tears off with the back of my hand.

"Sterling, come here," she asked, moving closer to me on the soft leather seat. She slid her hand in onto my thigh. Her other arm led me in for a hug. It slipped right behind my shoulders and pulled me in close to her.

I turned and fell against her, weeping into her shoulder but actually allowing her to hold me again. 

Why did it have to feel so right?

"I don't want to leave you," she whispered lovingly. "Will you stay with me for a little while?"

"Mhmm," I nodded and held her. We'd gone so long without speaking, my voice felt caught in my throat now and I didn't know how to even use it anymore.

My body was shaky and I felt weak because of her.

"Thank you," she said, so sweet and careful with me. She kissed the side of my head and cradled me.

"Why are you being so great," I asked, worriedly. 

"Because I care about you," April said. "I never want to hurt you and I don't want you to be all alone."

I held onto her, too sad and confused to do much else.

"After you left the lock-in I cuddled up in my sleeping bag and tried not to cry. I felt so sick with myself."

"Are you okay?" I asked, worried about her.

"No," she laughed. I could hear her own sadness and her own general fear.

"Can I do anything?"

"You- uh. You're doing it," she said, sniffing her own tears back just like me. 

"Okay," I said, feeling a little bit better. But a huge part of me couldn't get past the fact that I wasn't enough.

"What are you thinking," she asked me. My repeat silence was probably beginning to scare her.

"That I'm not enough."

"Oh, honey no," she said worriedly. "No, no, no, no, don't think that way."

"I have to," I cried. 

"Baby, no," she wept. She leaned back and smoothed the tears from my cheeks. "Sterling, look at me."

I sniffed and got my strength up, taking a deep breath in and then meeting her eyes with my own.

"This- this isn't you. You're so wonderful. And so beautiful. And so- so sexy," at that point she actually thought about it and rolled her eyes. "And smart-" she quickly added. "Smarter than me in ways. And its infuriating and it drives me up the wall."

We both laughed sadly and stared at one another.

"What's happening with me- is not your fault," April said.

"Yeah, but- I don't care," I whined. "I've been searching for this my entire life. I've never felt like this before."

"Shhhhh," April soothed. 

"It's like Miles with Blair."

"Hm?"

"I told her once that she'd get over Miles and that it would all be okay," I sniffed. "But she. She said it was different. She said she loves Miles the way Luke loves me. And I think I might be like that with you. Like you're the only one April. The only one."

April stared at me for a second and then she pulled me in to hug me again.

I heard her let out a big breath. Like her chest had caved in.

"Well. We're just different then them," she confessed. "With us it has to be different. It's not easy and it can't be."

"Circumstance," I said, hating the whole entirety of my being.

I let her hold me but I felt sick with sadness, like I might actually die when she finally left me alone.

"I've loved you my whole life," April said.

I stopped crying and leaned back to look at her.

"Its true," April laughed. "I've always cared about you too much. Where you're going. Who you're with. What you think about a book or a song. Or a very short bible verse."

We both smiled and remembered Naomi and Ruth. 

April licked her lips. 

"You have been my main weakness for several years. And I've watched you grow with Luke, have the sort of happiness I've only dreamt of."

I listened and imagined it. 

"Between Luke and well, Blair," she flared her eyes. "I couldn't get near you. There wasn't any room."

"April…"

"And you'd have those parties every year. Your joint birthday and everyone in town would go. Just not me."

"Yeah but. What about you and all your retreats and resorts and impromptu study trips?"

"Did you really want to go to those?"

"Uhhh…."

"See," she said shortly.

It was too sad now. I didn't get how she could be into me and never say. 

"You dated Cory in 8th grade," I remembered, grasping at straws. "I remember wanting to know everything about that."

"Really?"

"Mhmm," I remembered. "I remember this one time- I snuck into the bandroom and saw you two making out."

It was empty and they were sitting in those uncomfortable chairs.

"You had your flute in your lap," I recalled.

"Did it hurt?"

"Uh-uh," I realized, shaking my head. "But I couldn't stop staring, watching you. Something about it was addicting to me. It was probably you."

April shrugged and rested against me.

"It hurts for me," April said. "When I see you with Luke. Hell, Sterl... With anyone."

I slipped my hand into hers and relaxed a little. "When you flirted with Luke it hurt."

"Because it was him?"

I shook my head, no. 

April touched my face, and then she smoothed in and started to kiss me. 

Her lips opened and her tongue slipped inside me, tasting me again.

It was pleasure and relief. A flood of lust and want and dreams.

I whined inside her, too overwhelmed to do much more.

"I'm sorry," she kissed inside me. "I was scared and I had to do something." 

I let her kiss me a little. She took sweet licks inside and soft pecks. It took her a second to realize, I hadn't been kissing her back.

Once she did realize, she pulled back and patiently searched me.

"I can't play these games," I confessed. Feeling sad and weak. A better person could probably do it. "It hurts me too much."

"Okay," she said, nodding and pushing her forehead into mine.

After she swallowed, we breathed together, both feeling too much.

"Just let me know what you want from me."

I swallowed hard and held her hand. It was pressed against my chest and I held it against my quickly beating heart. 

"You know what I want," I reminded. 

"Right," she breathed and then swallowed. 

She moved away from me and straightened her clothes. "Okay," she said. "I'll um. I'll stop then. Give you space."

We sat there for a second, I led my knees up to my chest and hugged them. 

I couldn't lie like she could. And maybe it was wrong of me to really ask this of her too.

"Can I still see you?" April asked.

"Yeah," I said. "But this is really hard for me. When you kiss me it just reminds me that I'm not enough for you."

"Oh Sterl," she looked at me mournfully. 

"Maybe it's like you said," I shrugged. "Maybe one day it won't feel that way."

"You're so much better than enough," April said. "My life is just a nightmare and I can't risk it. They'll kick me out Sterl. I'll be on the street. I have nobody."

"You have me," I reminded mournfully. 

"If I have you, then be patient with me," April said shakily. "We went from not talking at all to this new state of all encompassing love. Maybe we need to be slow together anyway?"

"Yeah?" I asked, wondering. I slipped my hand in beneath hers and held it.

"Plus, you're too sensitive," she smiled knowingly. 

"What do you mean?" I laughed sadly.

"Oh, come on. I can hardly even touch your skin and you're probably wet from me."

I swallowed hard. We never talked about... "How did you…"

"I know," she said, nodding. 

"I never …."

"Hm?" April stared at me.

"Nothing," I said, nervously shaking my head. "I was going to tell you something but it's really embarrassing."

"Tell me," she pushed. She scooted closer, pulled my legs up over her lap and rubbed her hand back and forth across my thigh.

"I um- I never had an orgasm… with Luke."

She tilted her head back to mark my expression. "But- how can that be? I thought you-"

"We um- We did," I shrugged and agreed with her. It's not like I had lied. Luke and I did have sex. "Several times- but…"

"Wow," April said, still rubbing my thigh and staring at me. "Looks like I have my work cut out for me."

I shook my head, no, and looked down at my lap absently. 

"No?" She asked, reaching out to carefully lead my face up by moving her fingers beneath my chin.

"That um. That day, at the debate," I started worriedly. "That day when you were actually real and you talked to me?"

April nodded her head back to let me know she remembered.

"I- I um- I was frustrated and Blair told me I needed to know myself."

"Just say it Sterl," April whispered calmly.

"It happened," I said. "I was thinking about you."

April breathed in deeply. And she didn't look at me. 

"What…" she seemed lost. "What did you think about?"

"It was just you," I said. "Your face. Your lips. How mad you were at me. The way it felt when you touched my arm."

I swallowed hard in my throat.

April was trying to remember the day, maybe. "Was I at least naked?"

"No," I laughed. "No…"

"Sterling," she chuckled and then looked at me. "That's crazy."

"Is it?" I wondered awkwardly. "I mean, I guess I wouldn't know. I'd never really felt that before."

"Oh honey," she said sadly. 

"Yeah, well… Anyway," I said, trying to drop it or change the subject. "I guess you're right. You don't even have to try with me."

She shifted her hand beneath my chin and leaned in close to gift me a kiss.

"It's bad right?" I laughed awkwardly. 

April stared at my face, surveying it as she shook her head back and forth. "On the contrary. Mi amor. It's surprisingly sexy."

I laughed, embarrassed, and definitely too turned on to form a response. 

"I wanna touch you," April confessed. 

The hand on my thigh, rubbed a little bit harder now, electrifying my whole body and me. 

"Huh!" I huffed out an accidental laugh and then swallowed. 

"Do you want to touch me?" April asked.

"Well, yeah," I blushed beet-red and rolled my eyes. "It's um. It's really hot in here," I laughed. "Are you too hot?"

"No," April smirked intelligently at me.

She squeezed my thigh with her hand and watched my face as it changed. My thighs stiffened and my mouth fell wide open. 

"Turn the a/c on," April smiled.

"Okay," I swallowed.

I unlocked the door and fell sloppily out. Scrambling to the front, I put the key in and started up the cold air.

"It's really nice out," April said. "We can go on a walk, if you want to."

I crawled back up into the backseat and shut us safely in again, locking the door.

"Not today," I said, staring at her.

"Not today?" She asked, wondering about me.

I shook my head and stared in at her lips. What I wanted would have to be done in secret, in here. 

April smiled queerly and I did too. And then I let myself be a little wrong for her. I pushed her down, onto her back. As my body smoothed up against hers, dragging against all her body parts, I feverishly allowed myself to give in and start kissing her.

Maybe it was okay for now? The lying and the secrets. 

Maybe I didn't have much to look forward to that wasn't her. 

Either way, I couldn't think straight when we were alone like this and she was being sweet and touching me. I wanted her lips all over my skin. And I wanted to not have to think about what we were and what we weren't anymore.

When we were alone it was like nobody else even existed. April was really good at reminding me how much she cared for me when we were alone.


	4. Secrets & Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair returns and is worried about Sterling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii, i hope everyone is enjoying this. <3

Chapter 4

Hand sneaking under my shirt. April's soft cool fingers crawling up my warm skin. 

"Are you okay," she asks.

I shake my head and kiss her anyway, no longer restrained by what-ifs and why-nots.

I did have a really hard time with ambiguity. Solid answers are so very necessary for me. I freak out inside if I don’t get them.

I tilted my head to the side and kissed April deeper. Her thigh shifted and pushed in against my sex, causing me to gasp.

She said she'd never done this before but wow; she was good at it.

Her fingers snuck in around the waist of my jeans as she tugged my body in closer, tempting the action of pulling my pants off.

"Are you still too hot?" She asked between kissing me. Her free hand slipped into my hair at the back of my neck. There was so much heat there and I was sure she could feel that I was sweating. 

"Mhmm," I hummed. But it didn't matter really. I didn't want to stop kissing her like this.

"I can make it colder," she said. 

"It's okay," I pushed. 

"Or we can go get a cold drink and I can get you some loose ice."

I shut my eyes and lightly hissed at the thought. Also the way her sweet fingers gently tugged at my hair.

"Do you want to stop?" I asked, gasping a little.

"Not really," she said, kissing me again. "But I want you to feel good. Not bad."

"You feel good," I panted, wrapped up in her. 

I leaned up to look down on her. Her hair was splayed out on the seat. I tried to remember when this all started, when it was that I actually looked at her and noticed that she kept getting prettier.

I felt her thumb smoothing over the metal button on my jeans. 

"What is it?" She asked. The fact that I was looking at her so open and seriously must’ve made her concerned.

I shook my head that it was nothing. But obviously I was transfixed.

A knock on the truck door had me up and scared, reaching for the handle to keep the door shut, incase someone were to pull it and look in and see April.

"Open up. It's me." 

It was Blair.

Relief painted me as I looked down on April. 

Sorry, I mouthed. 

"It's okay," April said, sitting up and adjusting her clothes. 

The second I unlocked the door, Blair opened it and climbed in.

"That was quick," April noted.

"Yeah. Sorry," Blair said. "I wasn't expecting Miles to be so freaking confusing."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," Blair whined. "Yesterday he was breaking up with me and today he's all apologies but also fighting with me."

"Oh," I whined.

"What did you fight about," April wondered.

Blair let out a scoff. "Miles was pissed that I put my life in so much danger."

"What?"

"Yeah. Can you believe that? What the hell was I supposed to do just let you get taken?"

"Perhaps he's an only child," April mentioned.

"Oh," Blair said. "Yeah. I don't know. He's always talking about his older brother who is apparently a saint, by the way."

I sat quietly and tried not to feel riled up. Between April activating my sex drive and Blair being blamed for every bad thing in my life, I was pretty unraveled.

"Yeah well. Whatever. I can't be around him when he's like that. I'll wanna hit something. Maybe him."

"Makes sense," I sadly said. 

April brushed her fingers down my arm and held my hand. 

"I just can't believe that he was like that. You're my sister. Of course I was going to save you."

I rested my back against the door and pulled April in close to lay in against my body.

"You two sure look cozy."

"I should probably get back soon. My dad thinks I'm studying with Hannah B."

"Oh," I said, feeling sad. 

"Do you want me to take you to her house?" Blair asked.

"Not really," April said sadly.

"Right,” Blair sighed. “That's cool. We can just stay here and be super weird."

I swallowed and watched April, wondering what she actually wanted from me.

"Sterling. You're really beginning to freak me out today," Blair said.

"What? Why?" I asked, surprised.

"You are never this quiet and I know all that stuff you went through must've killed you."

"It did," I said, letting my mouth fall open so I could better breathe. 

"Okay, so. We should talk about it," Blair explained.

She crawled across the arm rest so she could sit in the passenger seat and lock eyes with me.

"You guys look good together." That's the first thing she said.

April and I both tried not to blush.

"It's making me jealous but I'll try not to be a dick so much."

"That's super kind of you," I said. "And godly."

April hugged my waist and rested her head against my chest and shoulder. 

Blair sniffed and stared at me again. "I can't believe it's true."

"Which part," April wondered but she long since closed her eyes, indulging in me.

"That we're not really-" Blair gasped. "You know."

"Sisters-" we both said. 

"Well. You are. You grew up together," April noted.

"Still," Blair said. "Biology."

"We've um. We've always had this freakish connection," I smiled. "It's almost supernatural. Like we know what the other is going to say."

"Plus you're glued at the hip," April said.

"Yeah," I laughed. Blair smiled through tears. "It's such a BIG thing."

I sat in silence, feeling relaxed. At this point there was nothing I could change and April's body against mine was everything. 

"Maybe this explains why we think differently."

"What do you mean," Blair asked darkly. 

"We disagree on things. And I always thought it was a twin thing."

"What things?" Blair asked worriedly.

"You think I'm too good and I can't handle it sometimes when you want to be wild."

"Yeah but you're nothing like Dana."

"How would we know? We don't even know Dana."

"Right," Blair said, a little worried and a whole lot sad.

"Mom's not my mom," I squeaked out.

Blair and April both looked at me worriedly. 

"I always thought I would be like her."

"You are," Blair said. "A lot more than me."

"What if- what if I never got to meet her or you? What if I grew up in a trailer park? And had no real dad, no safe school, and no money. That could've happened."

"Sterl, stop," Blair asked. 

"Okay," I said, defeated by it. 

"You really shouldn't think about those things,” Blair urged.

"I have to."

April held my neck with her hand and I noticed then that she'd been watching me.

"Having a different biological mom doesn't change everything about you."

I shrugged.

"Yeah. Okay. I don't say this often but April is right. About this one exact thing." 

After Blair spoke up, they shared a look.

"What if this is why I sin so much?"

"What?!" April and Blair both spat out.

"No one else at the Academy has this same problem. First person to lose their V. Only person pushing a girl to want to be with me."

"Sterling," Blair said. 

"Hey, if there's another answer I'd love to hear it." I was starting to feel really wrong.

"I don't want you to feel guilty about being with me," April whispered.

"Oh. I know," I said, comforting her. "But I'm going to feel guilty."

"She is," Blair said. "Before you she couldn’t even touch herself without wanting to pray."

I flared my eyes at Blair and then noticed that April’s mouth was hanging open and then she was smiling. 

"Everybody sins," Blair offered up. "It's super normal and human. And thinking you're somehow more evil than most the people out there just because you get off because of a girl is just bullshit, Sterl."

"I think meaner things in my head," she went on. "Plus, it's not like you're kidnapping children or beating up hookers."

We all fell silent then.

"Are you like your dad?" I asked April.

"How could you even ask me that," she wondered, hurt.

"Oh- no! I don't mean I think you are. I'm just asking-"

"She's confused," Blair said. She was actually being sweet and comforting April.

"I do worry some times," April confessed. "My thirst for vengeance is always a little too unquenchable."

"Yeah, we noticed," Blair scoffed a mean laugh. 

"We've all done things we didn't mean," I protected her. 

"Like when April locked you in that cellar and you cried so hard that you blacked out and fainted and you had to sleep for an entire day?"

"Oh," I said, remembering. "I forgot about that."

April looked up at me, mortified. "Eh- exactly," she said, really worried. "I do crazy things. I can't help it. I was just so angry."

"Angry enough to kill?" Blair posed.

"No one died," April answered her aggressively. 

"You always act like my being mean to you is some choice I've been given and it's really not. I care about my sister. She's a puppy."

"I care about her too," April said. 

I swallowed awkwardly and tried to push my old dark memories away. 

"You um. You said that it wasn't on purpose," I remembered.

"Sterl," April said. 

"Did you really do that to me?"

"Sterl, I was being stupid. I was a stupid kid."

"Homicidal," Blair said.

"Oh- you're one to talk,"April snapped at her.

"Hey!" I said, worried for Blair.

"Sorry," April said. "But we all have a lot of stories from our pasts and some that all three of us may not be privy to."

Blair made a face at that. A face that let me know that she too was hiding a secret.

"So tell me," I asked.

Blair looked nervous then and started to move back into the driver's seat.

"I'm done with this," Blair said. "I need some bubble tea or I'll dry up like a fruit."

"Ooo! That sounds good actually," I said. 

April was still staring solemnly up at me. 

Blair started to drive and April sighed and pressed her forehead into my skin and my shirt. 

I hugged her close and rubbed her back. 

Resting my lips in her hair, I wondered what could be so terrible that Blair would do.

"I'll tell you someday," April whispered. 

"It's okay," I said, comforting her. 

Blair started to drive and none of us talked until the truck was parked somewhere else again. 

"Do you really have to go?" I asked April

"I don't want to," she said. "But yes. I should, soon."

There was a high possibility that any relationship of ours would have to be fraught like this. 

"Come on," Blair said.

She opened the door and we all got out and walked into the sun. 

The rays were harsh and I was already wishing for autumn and the cold and for the time to change. 

April walked beside me. The absence of her hand was a very loud statement.

"Oh shit!" Blair said. She stopped short in the parking lot and April and I both walked right into her, slamming into her strong little body.

"Jesus!" April called.

"Shhh! That's the skip," Blair whispered.

"Oh yeah," I said, eyeing the short man suspiciously.

"He looks normal," April said. 

He was sitting outside the bubble tea shop at a round picnic table and sipping his bubbles lazily while he stared down at his phone. 

"What should we do," Blair asked.

"We have two choices," I realized.

Blair and I exchanged a look and then we both smiled and started to run.

"What? You guys!" April called after us.

It was too late though, we were far ahead of her and we both knew we had to do this quickly or it really wouldn't work.

"HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!" Blair shouted. She was loud with authority.

"DON'T LOOK AT HER!" I yelled too.

The element of surprise was shockingly effective. We were beginning to learn that almost anyone might take you seriously if you catch them off-guard and start demanding things rapid-fire.

"Sterl! Here," Blair said.

"Oh right," I noted. She already had his hands behind his back. I held them while she used a zip-tie to tighten them in place.

"Who are you?!" The man asked. 

"Your worst nightmare," Blair teased. 

“Did you really just have zip-ties on you?”

Blair shrugged.

I laughed.

"Come on buddy. We're taking you in."

We got him up on his feet. Blair took one elbow and I took the other.

As we walked toward the truck April stared at us, entirely speechless.

We got the guy in and zip-tied his hands to the inner handle of the passenger side door.

"I'm not getting in with you. This is human trafficking."

"What?" I asked, confused. 

"You just pulled a man off the street and shoved him into your truck."

"He's wanted for a crime," I explained. "This is something we do. We catch bad guys."

"That's crazy Sterling."

I stared at her and held my stomach awkwardly. She seemed upset or I don't know, maybe judgy?

"You guys! Come on!" Blair said.

"Oh!" I jumped. I took April's hand and led her toward the open door. 

I got lucky and she didn't fight me on getting in. "We'll take you to Hannah B's right after. I swear."

"You better explain this."

"Okay," I said.

We shut the doors and Blair sped us the couple blocks to the yogurt place. 

"Wait here," Blair said. "And no funny business."

I swallowed awkwardly. Soon Bowser was opening the passenger door and pulling the man out to take him in.

"You know, I think this is some sort of record."

"What do you mean?"

"It's only been like three hours," he laughed. "I'm still full from all those pancakes we had."

Except for April, we all laughed. 

"Sterl, you want yogurt?"

"Oh! Sure," I said, getting out again and following them in.

April came too and stayed close to me. 

"Your life makes zero sense," she muttered.

"You're telling me."

She smirked up at me and I walked behind the counter to make myself something. 

"Sterling, what are you doing?"

"We work here."

"Occasionally," Blair corrected me.

"No, see, what they do is, they stop in and steal my yogurt. And sometimes they sneak into the back and harass me for hours on end."

"That is also true," Blair noted. 

"You like yogurt?" I asked her.

"Okay," she nodded and came closer to me. Her fingers arched onto the countertop and she gazed down at all the choices.

I picked her out a cup and started to fill it with the items she pointed to. 

Blair disappeared to the back where Bowser had taken the man. 

Quiet surrounded us and I felt April's nearness so strongly like a buzzing sound as it carries on the wind. 

"That's good," she said, taking the cup from me. 

I looked up at her and stared. "I can take you now. I don't want to but I will."

"What's going to happen to that man?"

"Jail," I shrugged. 

"How often do you do this," April laughed.

"Uh. It's been a busy year actually."

"A whole year?" She asked, her eyes opening wide. "You do realize that looked absolutely absurd."

"Yeah," I laughed and rolled my eyes at myself nervously. I wasn't really sure how to explain. "It's kind of our job. Our real job. But our parents think we work here. Selling yogurt."

"God, you're so fantastic."

"What?" I laughed. I don't know why but I never thought April would like any of this. She was always too busy for other people's emotions and problems.

"You catch bad guys. Really catch them."

I shrugged. 

"Is there anything you can't do?"

The way she was staring, I was frazzled and about to combust. 

Blair pushed through the door and knocked my body.

"Okay, we're good."

I flew forward and April easily caught me with her whole entire body.

"God. Get a room," Blair teased. "Come on April. Let's get you to Hannah B."

April touched my back with her free hand. 

When I finally let go, I felt a shiver come over me. Too much sensory input all at once. And then so quickly taken away again. 

April put a spoon full of frozen yogurt in her mouth and sucked on it as she watched me. 

My mouth fell open and my eyes flared, she was way too sexy and I was screwed.

The little motion bell on the door rang as Blair left and I swallowed since I'd been too distracted to go after her.

"Better go," April said. 

Now she, I could follow.

We left the shop and got back in the truck.

I sat beside her and picked at my cold yogurt absently.

When we stopped at Hannah B's, April thanked Blair and looked to me. 

"I left my bag at your house."

"Oh no," I pouted. 

"It's okay," she said. "But there are some things I might need."

"Tonight?" I wondered.

"Or tomorrow," April said.

"Well, I could bring it to you."

"Could you?"

"Sure," I said. 

"Nope. Uh. Uh. I'm not letting you go anywhere alone," Blair interjected.

"It's close," April challenged. 

"So was the school and look what happened to her."

We both stared. 

"Fine then. I'll come by," April decided.

"When?" I wondered. 

"Tonight or tomorrow."

I gulped and set my yogurt cup down in the cupholder since I was sick of it now.

"Are you going to be okay?"

I shrugged sadly.

April pulled me in for a hug and she held the back of my head tenderly. 

I wrapped her up, squeezing her tightly. "I'll visit soon. I promise."

"Okay," I said. But there wasn't any more I could do.

I was now in this position where I had to wait to be loved. 

I swallowed down a good portion of my own sadness. 

When April pulled back she fixed my hair and stared at me. 

"Let me know if you get a new phone."

"You'll be the first," I hugged a laugh.

April smirked sadly at me. 

"Have fun with Hannah B."

"Okay," she said. "Stay strong Carolina."

I smiled at her and let her out. Then I stood and watched as she walked away.

"Now that was intense," Blair said.

I'd been staring at April for a good long minute before Blair decided to break me away. 

"Sorry," I said.

"It's okay," Blair laughed. "I'm glad you've got something to smile about."

I rolled my eyes at her and got back inside the truck.

"What's going on with you?"

"You mean, besides the mom stuff?"

"Yeah. You guys seemed sad."

"She um..kind of broke my heart."

"What?"

"It's … it's complicated. I'll explain."

"Did she hurt you?"

"What, physically? No. I mean, not intentionally. My insides do hurt."

"I can run back in there right now and lay her flat on the ground."

"It was at the lock-in," I swallowed. "She pretty much broke up with me."

"Yooooou didn't seem broken up," Blair pointed out.

"Yeah," I sighed worriedly. "She said she can't be out because of her dad."

"Her dad's a prick," Blair reminded.

"And, on that, I agree."

"So what then? You're just screwed?"

"I don't know what to do."

"You can sneak around," Blair suggested. 

"I don't want to be some dirty secret. It makes me feel bad."

"Yeah but it's also hot. AND- her family is scary. Her dad beats up hookers. Who knows what the hell he does to his kids."

Panic gripped me. "You think he hurts her?"

"He might."

"I hope not."

"Me too."

Blair was driving us home and I felt sick and confused. 

"I bet mom wants to talk to you."

"I can't," I said, wanting for time to move quicker. "I wish there was a button I could push. Skip ahead a couple years."

"You'll have to talk to her eventually."

"So will you," I reminded.

"I talked to her enough last night. Expressed my over-all mortification. Why'd they think they could never tell us? Like we wouldn't find out."

"I don't know," I dazed. "But I don't want to know that my real mom didn't actually want me."

"No one said that," Blair spoke angrily.

"How else could it happen?" I pushed.

Blair was quiet then. She probably hadn't thought about it.

"Maybe it wasn't like that," Blair tried. She reached out and held my hand. "But this really explains why they're so much nicer to you."

I smirked sadly. It did explain that. And maybe Blair would feel better now about being the black sheep.

"You're the real daughter," I teased. 

"Stop it."

"I'm glad it's me and not you."

"Why?"

"I don't know," I said. "You've always felt too distant from them. This would've hurt you more."

"It can't be easy," Blair said. 

"Yeah. It's not," I agreed. 

We were silent a moment.

"I don't even know if our dad is my dad."

"Ew! What? You think he slept with mom's sister?!"

I shrugged. 

"It was a small town," Blair realized in panic. "But we don't really look the same."

"I don't know who I would be without you."

Blair looked to me, pouted, and said, "Same."

"Oh!" Blair shouted. "What if we wanted to be twins so much that we broke some cosmic barrier and made it real?"

"We might've done that," I laughed.

"It would explain a couple of things."

"Well. I can't believe you're not my sister. Maybe because they were twins, we can still be twins?"

"Yeah, maybe so," I spoke absently. Thinking about it made me too sad.

"What if they gave birth side-by-side?"

"Holding hands?"

"Okay, this is freaky. The less we know the less I want to know."

"Mhmm, yeah. That's actually true."

"Let's just go home and try not to be too weird when we see mom."

"Okay."

"Are you going to tell her? About April?"

"No," I said. "April is terrified about people finding out in the town."

"Mom apparently knows how to keep a secret."

"I'll think about it."

But the thought tasted heavy and sour like something gross I never should've eaten.

Maybe there was too much going on. Maybe I just needed to go home and wind down.

"I can't believe you an April haven't boned."

"Hey!" I scolded. "We're taking it slow."

"Yeah, like snails."

"I don't even know if I'm ready for that."

"What? Why wouldn't you be?"

"I don't know. It's different," I said. "I feel everything more. It's overwhelming."

"I get that."

"I think it was easy with Luke because I was searching for something. With April I already know that it's there."

"Well, don't worry. You'll always be the slutty twin."

I laughed. 

"I think it's cute you haven't done it," Blair reached out and held my hand. 

I swallowed and tried to calm my heart. It had been beating all over the place all day. I'd been sweaty and not sweaty. And I knew I'd probably put off taking a bath because my clothes smelt like her.

"I want a normal life," I said sadly. "To hold hands outside and lay with her on the grass."

Blair watched me guiltily and squeezed my hand. 

"One day we won't be in high school any more," she made sure to say.

The terrible thing was, I didn't know if I could survive all this secret stuff and come out of it all okay.

"I bet we can convince dad to get us Chinese?"

I smiled but my stomach churned at any thought of eating food. 

Blair started the car up and drove us back home. She told me about Miles and how she was confused that he actually seemed to care after what they'd been through.

"Maybe he needs time," was all I could say. "April would've killed me herself if I put myself in danger on purpose like that."

"Yeah," Blair laughed. "That's true."

"Girls! Finally!" 

Blair and I both rolled our eyes at my mom's voice careening down the driveway like some noisy siren.

"Come on. We were worried sick about you."

"We're fine mom," Blair said.

Mom pulled me into a hug. 

I clung onto her, feeling something new that had never been there. 

She didn't have to take me in as her own and she did. My heart swelled with the truth of it and my eyes started to water again. 

"Come on baby. Let's get you some food."

She rubbed my arm quickly, like she always did. She was acting like nothing had changed but absolutely everything had and that broke me.


	5. Say! What you wanna say - and let the words fall out...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming home to the Wesley residence, the girls have a hard time adjusting to the new found normal. Then, for a late night visit, April sneaks in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if this is trash i apologize. i swear i'm trying.

Chapter 5

April leaving made my heart sink down low inside my chest but my mind ran with the day and what we'd done. I couldn't believe that she had come to me in the night and stayed with me. That she said all the nice things that she had said. That we spent so long kissing and touching again...

"Sterl!"

"Hm?"

"Dad made you a plate."

"Oh," I said, dazed. We were all sitting together at the kitchen table but I couldn’t help zoning out. I wasn't really hungry but it was sweet that Mom and Dad got chinese food for us. They knew that we liked it.

"Where were you girls? You were gone for hours."

"Just work," Blair challenged him.

"Oh, come on now,” Dad smiled. “Your boss likes you enough to drive you across the stateline and help you save your sister. You think I'm supposed to believe he wouldn't give you today off after all of that?"

"We owe him more," Blair said, not skipping a beat.

"You don't owe anyone, sweetheart," my dad laughed. "You're just kids."

"Right," Blair said. “That’s not what you said when we accidentally crashed the truck.”

Mom gave Blair a look. “That’s different and you know it.”

“Y’all got lucky your boss made sure to carry a gun,” my dad proclaimed. 

"Come on honey. Let them eat their dinner,” Mom said. “Lord know, this has not been a very relaxing weekend for anyone."

Blair stared at Mom and I watched them both exchange tense and somewhat angry looks. 

"What's going to happen to Dana?" I wondered nervously.

A loud clanking sound alerted me. My dad had dropped his fork on his plate from a high distance.

"Uh-hem, right, yeah,” Blair said, shaking her head. “What um. What's going on with that?"

"Uh. Look. Kids. Your mother and I."

"We don't know honey," Blair's mom reached out and touched her hand.

Blair's mom…

Wow. 

I'd never thought of it like that. Not naturally.

Debbie was. She was Blair's mom. And my… well… Guardian?

"Sterlin'. Eat some broccoli honey. You've barely eaten anything today."

"Yeah," I said, trying not to freak out and self-combust. 

In my mind, I could hear Blair freaking out and asking me if I was okay. I had no control over anything.

Food was such a useless thing to me right now.

"Eat Sterl," Blair urged. "I need you alive and healthy."

"In case my real mom breaks out of jail and takes me away again?" I asked, wondering.

Everyone seemed to look at each other, worried.

"What? Why would you even say that. No," Blair insisted. "No. It won't happen again. I'll make sure."

"That's right. We all will honey."

I pushed my plate away and got up.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just. Can't."

"That's okay, baby. I'm sorry we pushed," Debbie said. 

She met me near the exit to the kitchen and gave me a hug. She was comfortable and her familiar mom smell did make me feel safe. "You know you're my daughter, right? You’ve always been mine and we’ve always been proud of you."

"Yeah Mom," I sighed. 

But things were different now. Everything was different. 

I couldn't be an ungrateful kid now that I knew that nothing I had was actually meant for me. It was all a mirage.

I disappeared to my room. Cried a little and eventually passed out from the dissonance.

It wasn't until much later that I heard a knock on my door. The hinge creaked as the door pushed gently open into the darkness.

"Sterl?"

"Hm?"

It was April. She'd come back.

The covers had swallowed me. I pushed them off, looked up at her, and tried to focus my misty eyes enough to see her face without the light.

"Were you asleep? It's only seven," she said, sneaking in and brushing a hand up my cheek.

"Oh," I said. "Yeah."

Time was an illusion. I sat on the side of my bed and felt cold.

"What um. What are you doing here?" I wondered.

"I said I would come," she reminded.

"Oh. Right," I said. 

"Blair snuck me in. She's being too nice now. It's weird. I keep waiting for her to trip me."

I stared up at April, refusing to move or have a response. 

Equally stricken, April stared down on me and breathed as she did.

As she came even closer, moving her body to stand right between my legs, the air was suddenly so thick. All the words we hadn't spoken hung around us like crowding ghosts.

"I missed you," April said.

I looked into her eyes and wondered if it was actually true. 

"Are you okay?" She wondered. Her other hand came up and touched the other side of my face.

"Yeah," I said, softening. "Yeah. I'm just… I don't know. I'm lost or something."

"Lost?" She asked, staring down on me. Her right hand lowered and the bed of her thumb softly brushed over my lower lip, shifting it in a way. I knew then that she was pining for me.

My eyelids closed and then opened. I kissed her thumb on purpose and watched as her eyes flared. 

It made me smile, to see her affected. 

April swallowed and relaxed a little bit. 

"If you have to go I'm going to cry."

"I have to go," April confessed.

"No," I said, reaching to grab her wrists and pull her in to lay down ontop of me needily.

April slowly smirked and I could tell I was stressing her out. 

"We can't just be together all the time."

"Why not?" I wondered. 

"For one. You'd get sick of me."

"No! I would not! I've never been sick of you. When?"

"Not even in the fifth grade?" 

"Not at all," I said, shaking my head. Whatever it was she described, it was so far from my own memories of our past. I really thought she just stopped hanging out with me. I'm not sure how it happened or how I could ever come off that way to her. I was never mean or confrontational like that. Not then and not now. If anything we were too close. "I thought you ditched me."

"Don't say that," April said. She crawled up against me, acquiescing to my needs. 

"It's true," I said, annoyed that she thought she could tell her truth and never hear mine.

"You never said," she reminded. Like that could change anything.

"Said what?" I teased. "Why don't you like me anymore? How come you think that other girl is more fun than me? Yeah," I laughed. "I never said. And then you started to get mean."

"Sterl," she said, obviously worried about me.

"You wanna talk about it. Let's talk."

"No. I believe you," she said.

My hand was in hers and she squeezed it so tight.

"I believe you," she repeated for me.

I heard her sigh. 

"Am I stressing you out?"

"No," she grumbled. "Well, yeah," she laughed. "You're really good at that. No one else knows quite how to capture me like you."

"You don't have to talk to me, ya know? You can take your stuff."

"Do you think I don't want to talk to you?"

I shrugged.

She perched up on me and snuck a kiss down onto my lips. There was a rush then a return of feeling. "I really screwed up, didn't I?" April wondered.

"Maybe," I said, trying my best not to think about it. 

"I didn't come here just to get my stuff."

"Oh! Yeah?"

"Yeah," she said, checking my eyes and then staring down at my lips again. 

The room was too small for us. All our energy couldn’t exist calmly within. We needed high ceilings and wide hallways like the ones at the Academy. All the energy went out and up in places like that but here it was everywhere, undeniable and only growing the longer we put things off and held fast in our holding pattern.

"Okay," I sighed. "I can't take it anymore. What did you come here for?"

"To see you," April swallowed. "Wait. Was that not obvious?"

"Not to me," I said, shrugging and trying my best not to smile. 

"I'm usually very good at compartmentalizing," April said.

"Fall in love often?" I smirked.

April's mouth fell open and she laughed. "I like when you say things."

"It doesn't even matter what I say does it?"

"No," she said, serious now. "But it helps."

I couldn't stop staring and her eyes or her cheeks or her lips. 

The chemistry at this point had flown off the charts like some wild cockatoo. Her lips were near mine. We both tried our best but we failed to resist it.

I pushed my tongue inside her mouth just as she was ready and did the same.

Entire bodies seemed to still and rush together. Just her taste lit a fire inside. 

I felt her deep inside my sex. It was wild, like she was touching me down there.

She'd taught me a few things recently. Like, when you kiss someone you really want, time shifts. The second you start to touch, an hour could be gone, or in this case, four.

I didn't even feel it slipping. All I felt was this desperate physical need for her to never stop touching me. And the softness that came from being touched by just her.

All of a sudden, hours had passed and April was pulling away.

"Whoa, no, no, no," I whined, reaching out for her to stay and not leave my body. 

"I have to," she whispered sadly. "It's late, Sterl. Hanna B will be worried."

"Well, can't you just text her? Like last night?," I asked desperately. "Stay with me?"

"I shouldn't," April panted. "It's too risky."

I laid on my back and stared up at her, pouting.

"We have school tomorrow morning. We'll see each other."

"Not like this," I reminded her.

"Okay," April breathed. "Let me call Hanna B. I told her it might be a while but I never said this long."

April sat on the edge of my bed and I noticed how beautiful she was with her hair down. It was clean and so smooth. Id become obsessed with it lately. It smelled like her expensive resort shampoo and her perfume. 

I was lost in admiring it but then I remembered the night before, how I'd been so excited to sleep near her right before she yanked my heart out and stomped all over it.

She was on the phone and I was staring. 

"Did you do your hair for me?"

"Hm?" 

She smirked a little and held her finger to her lips to get me to shush.

I smiled and blushed, unable to help it.

I heard the rapid talking through the speaker on her phone.

April rolled her eyes and listened. "Hanna B. No. Stop. Listen. I'm going to need you to cover for me."

There was talking, a little confusion. I couldn't be bothered. I rubbed my feet against the side of April's thigh, pressing my toes against her jeans and watching them. Her hand came down and touched me but she was distracted by her important phone call, absently rubbing my foot while she stared blankly ahead, away from me.

"What do you mean, you called my mom?!"

April got up and looked down on me. She was so immediately panicked and aggressive that I too got up to panic with her. 

"Wow! Right! I gave you one job and you made a mess like you always do!"

April abruptly ended her call and slipped her phone inside her jean pocket. I watched her attempt to collect herself but she was obviously scared and unhappy.

"I really have to go."

"Okay," I said, definitely sad about it but this time I worried.

I stepped forward and held her face in both of my hands. I kissed her hard, not caring anymore about what was good or polite. I really wanted to keep her with me.

"I'm sorry, Sterl," she whispered sadly. I pushed my forehead to hers and held her close for a moment more. There was nothing worse than when her voice shook. I felt it inside me like the fear was my own.

"It's okay," I whispered. "But I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Too much."

She pushed into me then and kissed me hard, not holding anything back. It was so good that I stepped back and fell into a sitting position on the bed. Her leg snuck in alongside my thigh and her hand held my face as her tongue slipped flawlessly inside my mouth again. All the hair on my arms and legs stood on end.

I moaned inside her as she tasted me without fear.

It was a rush and a gift. But then she was pulling back and talking again.

"I've gotta go," she said, collecting her stuff off the ground. 

"Oh! Should I go down?"

"No! Stay," she bossed. "It'll be too hard. I'll just want to kiss you and we can't."

"Okay," I said, hopeless at once. Not being able to help things made me fidget. "But! Wait!" I panicked. "What if my mom sees you?"

"I can handle your mother," she smirked. For whatever reason, it was kind of hot. The heat in my cheeks warmed further. Maybe it was because I knew it was true. My mom always did like April. When we stopped hanging out she couldn't get over it. She would always ask about her and ask about what happened with us. Blair would snap at her. The conversation would stop. It was a recurring theme. "See you tomorrow, beautiful."

I swooned when she called me that. It was impossible not to feel things and smile. "Oh- Yeah! Tomorrow," I agreed.

I guess I'd been disappearing a little into my head.

When I looked up at her again the door was closing. I was too late to catch one last glance. 

Life was cruel but at least I still tasted her.

"Tomorrow…" I repeated to just myself. 

April was the only person who could make me feel this many things.


	6. Are you sure that this is where you wanna be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sterling can't seem to let the mysteries go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi all! not sure if people are liking this or not but i'll keep it up since i'm curious! more to come...

**Chapter 6**

Mondays are always stressful but today I can’t really bring myself to feel much of anything. Waking up unhappy is never a good sign. I took a shower and did my hair. The only silver lining about today is that I might get to see April.

“Sterl!”

“Oh!” I said, turning to look at Blair. 

“Seriously?! You need to snap out of it. I can’t handle you like this. You’re like an automaton.”

“Sorry,” I shrugged. “I can’t stop thinking about Dana.”

“What?”

“Well. Come on. Have you really **_not_ ** thought about it?”

“Sterl, don’t take this the wrong way. I think if I give myself time - to really think about it - I might fly off the handle and murder someone. Full blood and gore. Messy ungodly destruction. Five finger death punch. Kamikaze. Flying monkey style. Murder.”

“Yeah,” I checked myself. Blair ran way hotter than me. And she was right. “I want to know more about her,” I blurted out. “About-about everything! Like, how did it really happen? How did Aunt Dana get pregnant? Why did the clinic burn down? How did mom even end up with me?”

“Sterl,” Blair looked at me worried. 

“I _need_ to know!” I urged. “I need to know what percentage of my life is a complete lie. That's not ridiculous! It's not!”

“Okay,” Blair grumbled, understanding me.

“So, what?! What do we do?! What would you do?” I asked anxiously.

“Me?” Blair asked, looking into my eyes and then away again. “I would probably start with that storage space," she confessed.

“Can you take me?”

“Right now?!"

I looked around at the parking lot and the entrance to the school. Fellowship was going to start in a few minutes but I had important questions that needed answering. Really important questions. All to do with the complex actuality of my life.

“Yeah,” I said, determined. “Right now. Unless? I don’t know. I don’t want you to have to take the blame for things and it keeps happening. Mom and Dad keep getting mad at you.”

“Yeah, and I’m starting to see why,” Blair grumbled. “If I’m the _real_ daughter, I’m supposed to be more responsible.”

“Hey,” I said, hurt on her behalf. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Oh, it does,” Blair said. “Mom and Dad have always treated you like you’re porcelain.”

“Maybe because I listen to them?”

“Maybe,” Blair conceded grumpily. “But whatever. It doesn't matter. We can go if you want. You _are_ right. It is more important.”

“Really?”

She was giving me hope. Hope for answers.

“Yeah. It’s fine, Sterl. I don’t want to go to fellowship anyway. I'd rather hang myself.”

“Okay,” I laughed, nervous and jittery. “What if there’s like, our birth certificates? Or an old bible of my mom’s?”

“What if mom burnt down the clinic.”

“Whoa! Why would you even say that?”

“Your mom is the black sheep, the _other_ daughter. I know what that feels like Sterl. People blame you for everything.”

“You're right,” I realized. I reached over and squeezed her hand.

“It’s fine. Let's not talk about it.”

“Okay,” I said, worried. Maybe it was selfish of me to ask her to sidekick on this. 

Despite any misgivings, I had no time to debate it. She backed the car out and floored it toward the more unseemly side of town. 

We’d already gone to the gas station and gotten coffee and cheap breakfast sandwiches so we were good. 

“Where even is this place?” I muttered, after some time.

“Practically in the country,” Blair answered. “Mom’s completely paranoid.”

“She is,” I agreed. “But it seems like she has good reason.”

“Don’t defend her.”

“Oh, sorry," I realized. 

My phone buzzed and I looked down.

**April:** _Hey. Where are you? I thought you were coming in today._

“Who’s that.”

“April,” I said.

“Ah, right. Your Romeo.”

I laughed to myself. “Okay, I am so going to tell her that you said that.”

“Go ahead.”

**Sterl:** _Yeah. Sorry. I want to get to the bottom of my past. It’s eating me up._

**April:** _Should I be worried?_

**Sterl:** _Blair just called you my Romeo 💓_

**April:** _That doesn’t answer my question..._

**Sterl:** _Oh! Sorry! I don't know. Probably?_

**April:** _STERLING!_

Stressed, I let my phone fall down into my lap. And then I stared out at the buildings and the cars. Yesterday April said something about Blair having secrets and that’s all I could think about now.

“What did she even mean,” I muttered.

“Who?”

“April.”

“When?”

“Oh! Yesterday,” I said. “She brought up people having secrets. Secrets that the three of us might not know.”

Blair made an odd face and then jerked the wheel quickly to go down some weird sideroad.

“Whoa!” I said, bracing myself on the door. 

“It’s dumb. She was being dumb,” Blair quickly muttered.

“April isn’t dumb,” I reminded. “And you shouldn’t use that word Blair. People have actual inflictions. A dumb person is someone who can't speak. That's not their fault.”

“Okay, sorry. Fine. Um- Stupid? Idiotic? Deceitful? Biblically corrupt? Pick your poison Sterl. She’s not a great person.”

I stared over at Blair. “God, what is it with you two? Have you been keeping secrets with me?” 

Blair didn’t speak and she wouldn't let on that she knew I was watching her but I knew that she was avoiding something.

My phone buzzed and saved her. I looked down.

**April:** _Sterling?!_

“Oh!” I said. I probably made April panic by not explaining. 

**Sterling:** _Don’t worry! I’ll figure it out._

**April:** _???? Sterling, I don’t like this._

**Sterling:** _Sorry?_

I wasn’t going to spend my morning texting. I’d bite my nails off. It made me too stressed.

“Here,” Blair said, pulling up to an old building near a house. There were tons of semi containers, all rusted and abandoned. “This is it.”

We looked at each other, then quickly unbuckled and scurried out. 

It was getting cold now. The seasons were changing. Old leaves littered the ground and we ran right over them, boots crushing anything crunchy and making sounds.

“Okay. Well. We don’t have a key.”

“That’s fine,” I said. There was a large stick near the door. I picked it up and slammed the butt of it against the old metal bolt lock.

“Damn Sterl! You’re like one of those strongmen guys who throws axes and lifts logs.”

“Come on, help me,” I asked.

The lock had quickly broken and the chain was all gross and rusted out. Blair helped me pull it off and pry apart the rusting door. 

“Whoa,” I said, panting. The space was packed with stuff. More stuff than I could possibly go through in one day.

I looked to Blair and felt an internal sense of dread.

“You wanted answers,” she said.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Okay. Well. You don’t have to stay. I don't want you to get in trouble. This is all me.”

“Oh, I’m stayin’,” Blair insisted.

The side of my mouth tucked up and I felt tears moisten my eyes.

“Come on,” she said. “You deserve answers.”

“Okay,” I said, a little choked up. 

Maybe we could find something in here. Anything was better than the nothing I had.


	7. A Heavy Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sterling can't bring herself to go to school. April comes to visit since she's worried.

**Chapter 7**

Mom was keeping a lot of weird stuff in this storage space: shotguns, stained glass window panes, an old couch, not to mention giant trunks filled with nothing but air and stacks of money. 

Blair and I both tried to be quiet as we rummaged. Every discovery taught us something we didn’t know which started a new and unexpected conversation. 

“Sterl,” Blair laughed. In her hand, she held up a trophy.

“Wow,” I said, reaching out and taking it. “Sharp shooter?”

“I told you,” Blair laughed. “She’s full of it.”

I wiped the dust off of her name. “First place,” I muttered. "Go Debbie."

“She’s just like you,” Blair muttered quietly. 

“I used to think so,” I said. “But we’re not even…”

Blair looked sadly over at me and I handed the trophy back.

“This one’s for beauty,” she laughed and showed me another. “There’s a whole bunch of them over here.” Apparently Blair had hit the trophy honey-hole.

“Do you think Bowser can help us find anything?”

“Probably,” Blair shrugged. “He’s got contacts, friends, access to real estate and the police database.”

"Right," I said, thinking. "If there was a record of the arson there's got to be more paperwork we can find. Maybe we should try to library. Or like, a newspaper archive."

"Hey Sterl, um. This might sound, I don't know, stupid? But. Did you ever think about just asking mom?"

"Are you kidding?" I grumbled. My stomach turned and I held it with my hand. "That woman made me sleep in a tent for a week just for getting drunk ONE night. She's lied to me for sixteen years Blair. How can I trust her about anything?"

"Wow. Okay," Blair sung.

"What?" I wondered.

"Nothing," Blair said. "It's just… You sound like me. But like. Before all this."

I stared over at her and wondered if she liked it or hated it. 

My hands fumbled with the lid to a box and I threw it open. 

"Whoa," I said, looking down and touching some glossy photos.

"What's that?"

"I don't know," I said. But there were tons of pictures of our moms together when they were young. 

"They look happy here," Blair said. "And here."

"I don't know about this one," I said. It looked like an Easter portrait or something. Both Debbie and Dana had fake panicked grins on their faces. An old woven basket sat on the ground near their feet. Above then, an uncomfortable man stood with his hands firmly clasped to their necks. 

"Do you think that's De-da?"

"I don't know. He looks different."

"Then who's in that picture hanging up with mom and Mee-ma in the den?"

"A fake family?" Blair joked.

"Could be."

"Or maybe this is their dad and those are his parents?"

"He does look young."

"And angry," Blair noted.

Behind the three was a sign for the church in Mom's town.

I dropped the pictures and turned around. "This is hopeless," I grumbled. I sat down on my butt and held my head in my hands.

"What? Sterl, come on," Blair urged. 'What are you even looking for?"

"I don't know," I grumbled. "Some reason why my mom gave me up."

Blair came and sat beside me and hugged me close. "Maybe it's simple," she said. "Maybe mom's telling the truth. Dana burnt the clinic down. She had to go on the run and she knew she couldn't take care of a baby. Babies are hard."

I couldn't help it. I was so frustrated that I started to cry. 

"Sterl. No," Blair whined. "You can't cry. You know it makes me cry."

"I can't help it," I whined.

"Maybe we should take a step back from all this. Come back when you're feeling better."

"Okay," I accepted it.

There wasn't any way to rush these answers. Even the idea of asking mom made me feel sick.

We got back in the car and Blair drove us back to the school. We both looked like hell since we'd been climbing over things and playing jenga with all mom's forgotten memories. As the day wore on it got hot in that container and we sweat as we rummaged.

When we got to school I sat in the car and refused to get out.

"Okay, this is weird, even for you."

"What's the point?" I wondered. 

"Sterl, you love learning."

I got out of the car and leaned my back on the door. After a couple seconds I slid down the side of the car and sat on the ground in the parking lot.

"I'm not going in without you," Blair said. 

"I- I can't," I said. "I should probably go home," I realized. 

"Can I take you?"

I nodded my head solemnly but I couldn't even bring myself to look at her.

"Okay, come on," Blair said, voice hoarse from the crying we'd done in the car.

When we got home she cuddled into my bed with me. 

It took me a minute but I eventually fell asleep.

When I woke, her smell was different and it took me a second to realize that April was in my bed and holding me.

I sniffled and looked up at her. Her hair was clean and she'd taken her crisp Academy shirt off and hung it on the back of my chair. Only a thin tank top separated her body from mine. I saw the tops of her boobs and swallowed nervously. 

"Whoa," I said.

"Hi there," April breathed. "How are you?"

I snuggled into her and hugged her body. "Damaged," I said. 

"I'm beginning to notice that."

I breathed her in and tried not to be weird about it. 

"I missed you," April offered.

"Yeah?" I asked, surprised by her. "I missed you so much."

"You were asleep," April smiled.

"Yeah but I felt terrible."

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Wouldn't know where to start."

"Have you always been like this? Even with Luke?"

"What do you mean?"

"You don't talk to me," April said.

"I talk to you," I took offense. 

"You skip school and hide at home. I hope that wasn't about me."

"No way," I said, holding her tight with my arm across her stomach. "You're the only reason I wanted to go. I just couldn't."

"Blair said she's worried."

"Oh," I said, resting my head down on April's shoulder. 

April ran her hand through my hair and looked down on me.

My room smelled way better than normal. "Did you change my sheets?"

"Only the ones I could reach," April smiled. "Your mom said I could wash them for you. She also thanked me."

"My mom," I muttered. 

"Mhm," April hummed. 

"How do you make everything better?"

April's mouth fell open and then she smiled. "I didn't- know that you felt that way," she phrased nervously.

"I do," I said.

"Everyone at school is really worried about you."

"And what about you?"

"I…"

There was some silence and I let it all go. 

"Can I tell you something, secret?"

"Mhm," I said, too comfortable to move. 

"I've always been jealous of your family. Jealous of Blair. Jealous of you."

"Why?" I wondered.

"Your mom, she's … She's not like my mom."

I sniffled and pushed up off the bed a little so I could look down on her. 

"Your mom protects you. From all the vultures in this town," April said.

"And yours doesn't?" I asked.

I had forgotten again, how pretty she was, how much it attracted me. I slipped my hand in onto her cheek and touched it. 

April watched my eyes and shook her head. 

"Why are you jealous of Blair," I asked.

I rubbed my hand against her skin and April touched my wrist and kissed my palm. "She gets to be with you."

My mouth fell open. I never expected the way her touches swept over me. And her words were always unexpected and new. 

"When I came in, she was holding you."

"Yeah," I said, sleepily. "We share a heart."

April shut her eyes and took a deep breath in. She still held my wrist and she moved my hand until it rest over her chest where her heartbeat pounded. 

"Um," I swallowed, distracted by her. "This would probably be a good time to tell you that you um… You... Very easily  _ do _ things to me."

"Hm?" April opened her eyes and looked confused for a moment. But then her eyes went wide. "Oh," she said. "I can- um! Should I cover up? Is it the shirt?"

I looked down on her and let my gaze slide down to where my hand was. Then I looked back up at her and let out a laugh. 

"I can change," she said, determined. 

"Oh! No, no, no, no, no," I urged, and pushed her to stay down in the bed. I swallowed once she settled. "I like it," I breathed. "Just. A lot," I nodded. "I like it a lot."

"If you want to set up some ground rules. That's okay with me."

"April," I smiled and rolled my eyes. I laid my body down again and growled against her shoulder before turning my lips and pressing them in against her cool naked skin. 

April breathed and I knew she could feel what I felt. The perpetually growing attraction. It was so loud that I always felt it now whenever she was near.

"I don't want ground rules, " I whispered. 

"Oh," April said, always careful with me.

"You're just sexy," I whispered. "And you smell so good all the time. I don't even know how to be. It's..."

"Hard," she said, like she knew what I was thinking. But she wasn't right.

"Exciting," I corrected. "Like I didn't know how wrong I was when I was with Luke before. I really thought we were in love."

"Are you mad at me?" April wondered.

"What? No! No way," I said, looking down on her. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"I- I don't know," she worried. "I don't want to be the reason you feel bad."

"You're not," I said. "Well. Not today," I laughed. 

"Sterl," April said worriedly.

"The lock-in," I reminded.

"No. I know," April said, flustered. I stressed her out when I reminded her of how she hurt me.

My mind was swimming with the newness of such strong feelings. Good and bad.

"Would you tell me if I was bad at things?"

"What things?" April asked. "You're a terrible liar. And you're unreliable when it comes to debate. There was no reason for you to lose like you did."

"No," I laughed. "I mean. Not just anything."

"What thing? Tell me," April asked. 

"Am I a good kisser?" That came out way too direct. "I mean- do you- feel-  _ good things- _ with me?"

"The best," she said, touching my cheek tenderly. "What's got you thinking about that."

"People lie," I said. "And- I lied," I remembered. "To Luke."

"About kissing?"

"About feeling good."

"Are you lying to me?" April asked.

"What?! No. No! Gosh no. I would never," I promised. "Well, and hey! Didn't you just say I'm a bad liar?"

April smiled and nodded. She pulled me down and gave me a kiss. 

The flood of pleasure took over my body. A wild rush of lust overpowered me. 

"You're thinking too much," April whispered.

"Oh! Yeah," I breathed. "Sorry." Just her touching made me pant.

"Don't apologize," she said. "Are you always wound tight like this?"

"Little bit," I laughed guiltily. "Uh. I mean. I don't know. Things have been bad for me ever since the lock-in."

"Can I help?" April asked.

"You do," I said, staring down into her. 

"I stare at your lips sometimes. Like at the lock-in... And during fellowship."

I took in her features and wondered why she was being so sweet to me. 

"I close my eyes and imagine them," she explained.

I leaned in while her eyes were closed and placed a kiss on her cheek, then another. Then I kissed at her lips, taking my time. 

My hand slipped into hers and I held it. 

"You don't have to imagine," I reminded her. "I'm right here."

April opened her eyes and stared into mine. 

Her gaze shifted down to my lips and she reached up to touch them with her fingertips. 

I shut my eyes and puckered my lips against her fingertips, kissing them. 

When I opened my eyes again April was watching me so interested. Her eyes rolled when I smiled and kissed her fingertips again. 

"It's nice to see you out of button ups and khaki."

"You too," April laughed. "But you always look good."

"That's not true," I smiled. 

"Mm. It really is," she insisted. "You're always distracting me."

"You never even look at me," I laughed.

"I look when you're not looking."

I swallowed and wondered. 

"I wouldn't lie," she said. "Not to you. About that."

"Okay," I said, accepting it.

"What really happened to you today."

"I've been having this like. I don't know. It's like. My heart will beat really fast and my chest will get tight and I can't breathe."

"Poor thing," April said, petting me. I let her touch my neck and dote on me. But I was stressed about life and I couldn't slow anything down or speed it up.

"Yeah," I laughed awkwardly. "It's either that or- this- I don't know… I'm all..."

"Listless," April said.

My eyes had been focused off into space and she must've seen.

"Yeah," I said, saddened. I widened my eyes and relaxed them to try to stop myself from disappearing on her. 

"We can breathe together," she said. "Whenever it happens."

"That's sweet," I realized. 

"I know I haven't exactly been nice- during all of this."

"It scares me to think you can change your mind like you did."

"I still wanted you," she said. 

I shrugged and tried to hide the sadness from my face. 

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you haven't known."

"I love when you quote the bible," I dazed. 

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God."

"Wait, are you hitting on me?" I smirked. 

April rolled her eyes and smirked with her mouth open like she usually did. "What do you think?"

"I don't know " I laughed. "But it's working."

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm," I nodded.

"Come 'ere," April said, leaning up and stealing my lips away again. Her hands shifted and held at my face lovingly.

Flirting or not, she very easily jumpstarted my system and shifted my mind off the sadness and onto new things. 

"Is this okay?"

"Mhmm," I nodded, taking no time in kissing her back.

My body was on hers, thigh between her legs. I pushed up on her body and felt it as she gasped while I kissed her.

"Oh! Too much?" I asked, worried.

"Not at all," she smiled and shook her head. Her eyes said many things and our bodies felt right together. I kept touching her and wondering how it could be that we didn't ever notice this before. 


	8. A Tender Ache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little play...

Chapter 8

I pet her and she pet me. When I nuzzled in close and kissed her neck she held my head and breathed in so deeply. 

"You taste good," I whispered.

"That so?" She asked, swallowing. 

I licked her again in the place where she had done it to me the other day. 

April gasped and gripped my hair. "Is this too much?" I worried.

"Never," she breathed. 

I took that to mean, these were good reactions and not her being scared. I licked her skin again, in the same place. Imagined how it felt when she did it to me. How her palms must be sweaty and her mouth filled with lust.

April swallowed again and let out a pretty moan. 

"Does it feel good?" I wondered.

She swallowed again and smiled. I heard her pant out, "Yeah. Yeah, it does."

I remembered the feeling from the other day. How when she licked my neck like this she weakened my body so quickly. Pleasure mounted and mounted, and it kept going up, until I was so high from it, it took me hours to come back down. 

"Fuck. This is torture," April laughed. 

"Oh no!" I whined, worried. "I'll stop."

"You better not," she breathed. 

I kissed her neck, super carefully. "You're confusing," I said. 

"It's um- yeah, sorry," she swallowed nervously. "It's the denial."

"What do you mean?"

Denial?

"Um. I think it's different for me."

I pushed up to lay on my side. I needed to see her to know if I was ruining things. 

April smiled and stared at me openly. 

I slid my hand into hers and she swallowed again. "Is it bad?" I wondered.

She shook her head and watched me knowingly. "I want you so much," she hardly said. 

"Me too," I said, smiling back at her. It made me blush.

"No," she laughed at me sweetly. "I mean, physically.  _ So _ much."

"Oh," I said confused. I wanted her that way too. Obviously wanted her.

"I think it's harder for me," she went on. "With you, I'm always holding myself back."

"Aw," I squeaked out. I didn't want to hurt her or keep her from things she wanted. "You don't have to."

She grinned and huffed a laugh. Her eyes rolled and she momentarily looked away from me before quickly returning her gaze. "No. I do," she shrugged happily. "I'd be too much for you."

She held her forehead and, though happy, she did seem a little turned on and stressed.

I leaned closer. "No really. You don't have to," I urged. "I want you too."

"I know you do," she comforted, amused. Her hand rubbed my arm and her thumb rubbed into my skin in a way that sent pleasure shocks up and down through my body. I shut my eyes and swallowed. Just her touch on my arm elicited so much physical attraction. I thought of the debate day, that first day, and I swallowed seriously.

"See," she said, watching me. I noticed, once I reopened my eyes. "I know."

I bit my lip and stared at hers. But then my mouth moved before my mind. Quickly I was slipping my tongue inside of her and stealing away a hot kiss.

She held my face, keeping me. 

Maybe it was mean? To not force her to react? She obviously wanted me, obviously came alive when I touched her.

My body pushed into hers and I let my leg fall between her legs again, not caring anymore. My brain was broken and I didn't want to have to think.

"Mmm!" April moaned. Her voice entered me just as her hand gripped behind my thigh and pulled me in closer to press at her sex over her clothes.

"Whoa!" I said, pushing up from her body and staring down on her. 

Her head was titled back and her eyes were closed in pleasure. Her hand still gripped at the back of my thigh as her eyelids came open and she saw me again. 

I had to brace myself, holding my body up with flat hands on the mattress on either side of her head.

My mouth had fallen open and I heaved above her trying to contain the instant shock and pleasure. 

"Sorry," she panted. 

Her grip on my thigh loosened and she rubbed it tenderly. Her hand began to slip away. 

I laid back down on her body and rested ontop of her for a second. Her hand slipped up my back and held at the back of my neck, kneading it tenderly.

"Wow," I breathed. 

Even, just touching my neck, it was heavenly.

"Sorry," she said again.

"Don't be," I asked. "You feel amazing."

Her fingers slipped up into my hair and tugged on my locks tenderly.

Then her other arm slipped around my lower back and she lovingly held me. 

I breathed heavily and tried to get myself together. But April's hands liked to roam. And all the roaming was hot and sexy even if she was being extra good and extra slow, keeping her hands in super safe places and only pressing as hard as a gentle puppy might press his paws into a person's skin. 

Everything about her was actually somehow magical.

"How do you know what to do," I breathed in awe. "It's like you already know my body," I realized. "Every place you touch..."

"I can stop," she suggested. Always worried about being too much.

"I don't want that," I quickly said. "I love it," I whispered. "You're like a dream."

"A good dream?" She asked.

"The best," I quickly said. "Like a dream you don't want to wake up from, it's that good."

She kneaded at my neck muscles with her fingertips which only forced me to relax into her and moan. 

"You're so sexy, Sterl," she let slip.

"Really?" I asked, a little shocked. I never felt like I was. I always felt like a mess.

"Mhm," she answered, so calm. "Wherever I touch you, you react to me."

"Oh," I huffed a laugh and pushed my hair back behind my ear. "Maybe you just feel good," I realized. "I'm … not used to it."

"Is it bad?" She asked, worried.

"No," I said. There would be none of her thinking that. 

I licked her neck and felt her chest and body trying to rise. "I want you," I whispered, reminding her. 

She swallowed her fear or her attraction and her fingers slipped again into mine.

"Please don't stop," she asked, quietly. 

"Okay," I promised. I let my tongue become lost on her skin as her body tensed and gently squirmed beneath mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this has taken so long - i've been busy and exhausted but i also missed these two!


	9. A Mystery Lingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wesley's might be ready to explain a few things to their daughters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next are more backstory.

**Chapter 9**

April had to leave before the sunrise which made me really sad but I let myself sleep for a little bit. 

I woke up to a text I had missed.

**_April:_ ** _ wish I could’ve stayed… _

I felt a softness in my chest.

**_Sterling:_ ** _ me too… _

I finally sent a text back to her.

It worried me to think she might’ve been up missing me while I was sleeping.

A knock came at my door. I cleared my throat and pulled my blanket up over myself. "Come in," I said.

The door cracked open and my dad was there. "Hey pumpkin," he smiled. "How are you?"

"Um. Okay," I said. 

There was a heaviness to my life now since I had to understand that both of my parents had lied to me every day for years.

"Your momma wanted to know if you'd be interested in going on a drive."

"Okay," I said. 

Ignoring them wasn't actually helping me so maybe they were right to seek me out and get me to listen to them.

"She'd ask you herself but we've all noticed how hard this has been on you."

"Yeah," I said, keeping it short.

"Your mom's scared, honey."

"Scared of what?"

"Well, that you…" his voice trailed off. "That you might not love her anymore."

"What?" I said, shocked. 

"Oh, I know. It's a wild notion," he smiled. "I know you love your mother. But she's worried and she's really good at pretending she's okay. To protect you."

I hadn't stopped to think about it. What it must've been like to have a person like my real mom as her twin sister.

"She doesn't have many people, " my dad went on. "We’re her people. Her chosen family."

He smiled and I knew he was close to tears. Dad was sweet like that, never scared to tell me the truth.

To think of his big lie, how he lied for Mom? It was a lot.

"Be gentle with her Sterling. None of this was done to hurt you. We only wanted to love and protect you. All we wanted was for you to be happy and safe."

I sniffled, unsure of what to say. One day we'd be past all this. That I knew.

Blair came into the room and noticed dad. "Uh-oh what's happening. Is there another secret sister I should know about?"

Dad and I both rolled our eyes and laughed. "Your mother wants to show you two something."

"Okay," Blair said, skeptically.

"You don't have to go if you're not in the mood."

"No, I'm in the mood," Blair said. "Always in the mood for airing out secrets."

"You girls should get ready. Mom and I will be waiting down there in the car."

"Get goin'," Blair bullied him. 

Once he left I stared at her and wondered what she was thinking. Blair sat down close to me and tugged my ankle to get me to stop hiding my face. "Okay, spill," she said. "I heard you last night. Long high pitched moans. Followed by gasping and moaning again."

I gasped in a breath, shocked to hear it described that way. Then I pulled my knees up to my chest again and covered my face with my hands.

Blair reached out and pulled my hands down. "Come on, tell me," she begged. 

"We just hung out," I said, embarrassed. 

"That did not sound like  _ hanging out _ ," Blair teased, using air quotes. "That was like, hot and heavy, earth shattering, hours and hours of secret sex."

"It wasn't sex!" I said, nervous at just the mention of  _ us _ doing  _ that _ .

"Wait," Blair said, stopping us. "Do we even know what constitutes lesbian sex?"

"Uhhhhm," I thought. "Maybe no?"

"Yeah- No- Yeah. That's what I thought," Blair nodded and laughed. 

She watched me and I thought about April. 

"Were your clothes on?"

"Yes," I said, happy I could at least answer something. 

"Huh," Blair said. "Yeah, you're right. That can't have been sex then."

I laughed and threw a pillow at her.

"What?! It really did sound like sex. It was honestly shocking."

"Sorry," I said, scrunching my face.

"Don't be," Blair said honestly. "I practically tortured you with Miles. We had sex all over this place."

"That's true," I remembered.

"Even kicked you out of the car a few times."

"Yeah," I remembered. "You were really amorous."

"I think the word you are looking for is horny but amorous works."

I smiled lightly, still a little stuck on how my night had been with April, how she actually let me touch her again. 

"You okay?"

"Hm? Oh yeah," I smiled, tired. 

"You sure? Cause you know I'd drop everything and go yank her out of fellowship right now by her, holier-than-thou, high pony."

I pouted at Blair, upset at that thought. "Why do you always want to hurt her?"

"I don't!" Blair defended herself. "I just don't fully trust her. She's already hurt you."

"That wasn't her fault," I said. If her dad was homophobic April was smart to push me away the other night. 

"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about fifth grade and the cellar."

"Oh," I said, swallowing. "Yeah, what was that?"

"An obvious attempt on your life?" Blair dryly joked.

"What? No. I wouldn't have died."

"April knew how scared you were of the dark and being alone."

"Yeah," I swallowed, remembering. 

"She wanted you in pain."

The darkness was so pitch black. And there were cobwebs and old glass bottles that I couldn't see.

I remember I kicked a few things and heard them slam against a wall and break. Red liquid soaked my brand new white shoes. Mom was so upset with me.

By the time someone found me my knuckles were raw and bleeding from the desperate pounding I'd done on the old cellar door. 

Blair blamed April for that day, and I was torn up for awhile, scared to enter any room without someone else going in ahead of me. 

I don't know why I didn't blame April. She apologized and cried. And I thought-

I don't know what I thought. I thought she wouldn't purposely do something like that to me. 

"Sterl? Earth to Sterl!" Blair was snapping her fingers in front of my face. 

I stopped remembering and came back into the now. 

"Hey, come on space-case, we've gotta go. Mom and dad are probably waiting down there."

"Oh yeah," I said, getting up finally. 

I dressed and barely brushed my hair. Blair came in and took my brush from me to finish what I started. 

"Do you really think April wanted me in pain?"

"I saw her close the door," Blair said. "What other motive could she have had?"

"I dunno," I dazed. 

Blair brushed my hair and eventually we ended up climbing into the car with Mom and Dad.

"Maybe she didn't know the door would be heavy."

"She shoved a thick wooden plank into the door handles so that it would lock."

"She did?"

"Yup," Blair said, popping her lips.

"What are you girls talkin' about?" Mom asked. 

"Nothing," we both smiled and lied. 

"But what if it was supposed to be funny," I whispered to Blair.

"You weren't laughing," Blair recalled. "Hey, maybe you should just ask her."

"Well, she did say she scared her other friend."

"What other friend?"

"Some girl she was into."

"So this is a pattern?"

"I think so."

"Uh-oh," Blair and I both felt our heart's sink.

The car drove down the road. Dad went through a drive thru and got us food and coffee.

I stared out the window absently until my phone vibrated and I looked down on it.

**_April:_ ** _ no school again today? _

**_Sterl:_ ** _ yeah. Sorry. I haven't felt up to it. _

**_April:_ ** _ I hate missing you… _

**_Sterl:_ ** _ 🥺 _

"Who's that?"

I tilted my phone to show Blair. She pouted and then rubbed my shoulder. 

"How are things with Miles?"

"Complicated," Blair breathed. I could tell she was stressed out and I knew I couldn't be helping anything by moping all day and disappearing inside a black void. "How far are we going, anyway? You're not taking us out into the woods to hide our bodies."

"Funny Blair," Mom said.

"We’re headed to Nandina."

"What? Why?" I wondered. The last time we were there it was terrible.

"Your mom wanted to show you two something,” Dad said.

Blair and I both swallowed and looked at each other. 

**_April:_ ** _ it's okay. I'll just close my eyes and imagine I'm kissing you. _

I blushed and felt the heat rise in my chest as my heartbeat picked up.


	10. A Place of Bad Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sterling's parents have some business to take care of in Nandina.

**Chapter 10**

Nandina was a place lost in time. Nothing had changed since Blair and I had made our pilgrimage. Only now, we already knew every building and house.

Giant Trump flags waved from every yard. And the ugly Maga signs were littered everywhere.

My family didn't talk about politics much but I knew my mother and father disliked the orange guy. 

"He's not an intelligent person," my father would say.

And my mom would shift topic any time Trump was brought up.

I tried to imagine growing up in Nandina.

"What was it like," I dazed.

"Sterl?" Blair poked me.

"Oh!" I said, realizing I hadn't even really vocalized my true question. "Mom? Living here, what was it like?"

"It was mostly scary honey," my mother said. "My daddy was strict and people in Nandina weren't as forgiving to anything new or different."

We pulled up to an old house and dad parked in the driveway.

"What's this?" Blair asked.

"It's your momma's house," Daddy said. 

It was small and one story. There were no cars near it and no signs sat out front.

"Is anyone in there?" Blair asked, nervously.

"No honey. It's been left."

"Why left?"

"I haven't had the strength to come back here, " Mom said.

"This town scares your mother. Too many old memories."

"Oh," I said, worried about her.

We all waited for mom. When she started to move, we did too.

At the front door she reached out to touch the door knob and then hesitated, pulling back.

"Here," Blair said, taking her keys away and opening her door. 

Inside it was all tans and browns. Drab decoration, drab furnishings, and dust floating everywhere. 

Dad walked to the main window and opened the curtains. 

Mom held her fingers over her lips and stared at the old furniture. It was almost like she was in shock or perhaps mortified and pretending not to be.

I walked to her side and held her hand. She leaned onto me and gave me a hug. "You grew up here?"

"Mhm," she nodded sadly and squeezed my hand. 

Blair began to explore, going into all the rooms and disappearing. 

Mom held onto me and kissed my hair. 

"We're um. We're going to sell it," Mom sadly said. 

"Does it make you sad?"

"No. No honey. It doesn't make me sad."

"Sterl! Come 'ere!" Blair yelled.

Mom laughed. "I think your sister found my old room. Go on."

I looked up at her, worried. Then I went to find Blair near the back of the house.

Mom's room was really plain. There wasn't much to give away her character. Blair sat on the bed with a box she had found and inside were old magazine clippings of celebrities and rockstars. There were even some old cds and booklets with song lyrics in them.

"I couldn't be myself here," my mom said from the frame of her door. "Couldn't hang posters or play music that wasn't from the church."

"That sounds like torture," Blair looked up at her sadly.

"Welp. Yeah," my mom breathed and nodded. "Honey, it was. All I could think about was gettin' out of this town."

How sad, to be reduced to a box. 

"If my daddy had ever found that he would've punished me."

Blair and I both stared up at her, protectively. 

"He passed away a few years back. I was sixteen when I left here and took you with me,” she stared at Blair.

"What?"

"My Daddy was a violent man. He did not want me to be having sex without marriage. Being pregnant meant I had to go. I knew if he found out I would be punished by him and by the whole town really. So, I did what most kids in that situation would do and I ran."

"Mom… What about me?" I wondered. 

"It's- it’s complicated honey."

"She needs to know," Blair said.

Mom looked tired just being here. It took away about ten years of her life just to tell us these hidden truths.

"My sister was on the run from the law. Her boyfriend was mean and she thought he was somethin' else. We had you two in separate hospitals, in separate towns. And it wasn't until a month or two later that Dana showed up out of nowhere, drugged up on something, barely weighing a thing. You were so small baby. Blair was growing healthy and you were so small."

I swallowed hard in my throat and looked down.

"We, your daddy and I, we let Dana stay for a couple of days. And on the third day when we woke up she wasn’t there but she left us a present. You were curled up with Blair in her crib and she left us a note."

So that's how it happened? She just. Left?

Tears sprung to my eyes and rolled out. But I didn't want or like them.

Blair pushed the box between us away and perched up on her knees to throw her arms around me and hug me tight. 

"Your daddy and I. We um. We were glad. That she left you with us."

Blair hugged me so tight. 

"The way things were goin'. You wouldn't have survived a life with her and we think she knew."

The truth about that couldn’t make things any better or easier. 

"After that we didn't see her for a couple of years," Dad explained.

"But we got to hold you and take care of you and watch you grow."

"Are you okay," Blair whispered.

I shook my head no. 

"Come on," she said, let's go outside.

She got me up and we left the old house. Mom and dad stayed inside.

Blair and I sat down on the curb in front of the house. No cars drove by. No kids played outside. 

"This place sucks," Blair said, rubbing my back. "Poor mom."

"Yeah," I said, too sad to even function.

"I think it goes without saying that I'm glad Aunt Dana left you with me."

I leaned into Blair and hugged her back. 

"You always save me," I whispered. 

"You save me too," Blair said. 


	11. Come To Me High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sterling can't wait until the morning to see April.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long. this week has been a mess. i did want to wait until i was in the mood to continue this one. things are getting steamy for sure. (the title is a song by Rumer)

**Chapter 11**

  
  


It was really cold out tonight but anything was better than staying in bed and allowing my brain to death spiral. 

I pulled Blair from her bed and convinced her to escort me on a mission.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Blair whispered.

"I wanted to come alone," I reminded. "But you wouldn't let me. Remember?"

"Of course I wouldn't let you, Sterl! This town is filled with dirtbags and criminals. Have you learned nothing since we met Bowser?"

"Awww. I miss him," I realized. I needed to do some research and buy him a gift for saving me. If he and Blair hadn't come, I'd be in some other country by now doing God knows what and not knowing a way out.

Bowser was an earthbound angel.

"Me too," Blair pouted. "We should probably check in on him. Make sure he hasn't fallen into another American Pickers zombie trance."

"Don't say that, he loves those antique shows."

"Yeah. Too much," Blair reminded. "How many different oil cans does one man need to see before he's really satisfied as a human being?"

"You shouldn't judge Bowser for liking his comfort shows. He wouldn't do that to you. He fully encourages your interests. Remember that time you wanted to ride in one of those motorcycle side cars? He didn't make fun of you at all. He brought one over from another state and completely surprised you. It was really really cute."

"Ugh! Fine!" Blair groaned. "Help me lift this thing."

"Oh!" I said, realizing she was trying to wrestle the ladder from the back of the truck. We had parked off the side of the road, in the dark, near the bushes. This way we could sneak onto April's property through the trees.

"I can't believe you woke me up at one am to do this Sterl. This is insane."

"I couldn't wait," I said, bothered. "I really wish you'd let me come alone."

"What? Why? Are you sick of me?"

"What? No! No! No way! I could never be sick of you. Why would you even think such an ugly thing?"

"I don't know," Blair groaned. "All this stuff with mom. It's really starting to get to me."

"I know," I said, heavily. When we got home from Nandina we were all sort of lost. No one knew what to do with Mom's real past. And it was obvious that Mom was ashamed. And for that matter, so was Blair.

"I'm such an asshole," Blair muttered grumpily.

"What?! Hey! No!" I said, practically yelling at her like she was a dog peeing onto white carpet or something. I scared her so bad, Blair dropped her side of the ladder and held her hands up. "Don't you talk about my sister that way!" I warned.

"Okay! Okay! I won't!" She promised me. "But I am!" She whined. "I suck!"

"Blair!" I warned, aggravated.

"For years and years I was openly suspicious of Mom like she was some jerk or some villain. And- and- and- she wasn't Sterl! You- you saw. She was a victim."

"I know," I said again. "Come 'ere."

She'd been pacing around the dark edge of April's property. Burning a hole in the thick perfect grass. Working herself up. 

We weren't exactly close to the house yet but we shouldn't be fighting out here.

I held out my arms and Blair came close to give me a hug. 

"You were right," she said. "You are always right. I should've let it go."

"Stop," I asked, holding her and feeling her pain. I ran my hand through her hair and rested for a moment. "We were going to have to find out eventually. It couldn't have been good for her to hold that all in."

"Maybe it helped her," Blair said.

"Or maybe she was so scared that it was eating her alive," I spoke out loud. "Secrets are dirty things."

"We haven't talked at all since the house," Blair reminded. 

"I can't," I said. "The more I think about it the more terrible it all sounds."

"Is that why we're here? To get your mind off what Mom said?"

"Little bit," I admitted uncomfortably. 

"Come on," Blair said. "We better do this fast, just in case. April will probably kill you if her parents somehow catch us."

The plan was to get in and get out. Put the ladder up, climb up to April's window and then go.

I wanted to see her. She kept coming and visiting me and I loved it every time. In the dark of the night, sneaking up to see her was all I could sanely think about right now. Just like Romeo.

We were careful, quiet. No security lights came on so that was good. But April's house was huge.

The silence was eerily loud. Crickets chirped, I swallowed awkwardly as I ascended the ladder and carefully walked along the stable part of the lower roof to reach April's window.

_ This is crazy _ , I thought.  _ I'm being crazy.  _

But then I looked in and saw that April was laying back on her bed with her eyes closed and her laptop resting on her stomach. Light was flickering up on her face from the screen

She was awake. She wasn't sleeping at all. The light from her screen reflected and changed on her face and I realized that I was intruding on something special, something secret.

Panicked, I quickly took my thumb and pushed it against April's window frame to slide her window open.

April let out a surprised yelp. Her hand rose up to her face and muffled the sound. She realized rather quickly that it was me, slammed her laptop closed and panted uncomfortably.

I snuck inside and knelt down on the floor apologetically to rest at her feet.

"What are you doing here," she asked, worried. I took her hands, so happy to finally touch them.

"Um. Sorry," I panted, overwhelmed. "I-I hope it's okay."

"You can't be here," she whispered, suddenly upset. Her eyes darted to her closed door.

"Oh! No. No," I begged. "Please," I said. "I- Darn it."

She shook her head and cracked a crooked smile as she stared affectionately down on me.

"I am so sorry," I said, unable to let go of her soft sweaty palms. I loved the way they felt as I rubbed my cold thumbs into them and stole away her soft sweat. I knew it would smell sweet like rose water. "I want to kiss you so bad," I realized.

"How did you even get in here?" She laughed, a little stressed. 

"Oh! Ladder?" 

"Sterl," she swallowed, stressed.

"What um. What were you watching," I asked, turned on. Those were definitely some obscene noises coming out of her laptop as I first snuck in. It was actually kind of cute. I never imagined April doing anything like that. Now I could.

"That- is none of your business," she said, both proud and embarrassed at once. She shook her head and laughed at me. "You could've told me you were coming."

"You would've gotten mad," I laughed, knowing it. 

"So you came anyway?" She asked, sliding down to the ground with me and pushing our hands toward my body to glide into me and push me a little.

"Yeah," I smiled all dopey. "You really do make everything better."

"You didn't text me," she said. "I worried about you all day. And you know I'm no good with ambiguity. I need to know what's going on with you or I'll stress out."

I looked down at my lap and tried to think of what to say. 

"Another bad day," she read me, knowing me.

I looked up and dropped her hands so I could lean in against her body and breathe her in.

"Poor baby," she whispered, holding me.

Her hand found my face, she pulled back and then her lips did the same, kissing my cheek and then my mouth. She was warm and so magical.

As soon as she started to kiss me I forgot what it was I'd been thinking about, forgot about everything tragic and odd. I forgot so much and in the place of that knowledge was a love and a warmth I could never expect.

I kissed her back strongly, wanting to keep her and feel her again. My fingers gripped the soft collar of her shirt and I pulled her toward me to stay.

She pulled away after a few wonderful seconds. "You really can't be here," she whispered nervously. "It frightens me."

"Shoot," I said, realizing. "Yeah," I breathed and pulled back. 

I stood up and looked down on her there. "I-I'm really sorry. I. Thought it would be romantic or cute. I don't know. Either way, it was stupid. I'll go."

"Sterl," she said, stopping me. Her fingers clasped around my wrist and held firm. As I watched her she seemed to cycle through her options and choose. "Give me a few minutes. I'll come down."

I looked back at her, scared to move.

Every time I looked at her lately I got this feeling like if I turn away she'll disappear.

It was a scary, panic-inducing thing. But she was also so so precious to me. 

I walked to the window and quietly crawled out.

April came over and helped me with the window. 

"Hey. I'm not mad," she said, worried about me. 

As I perched just outside her window, confused, in the cold, I looked into her and swallowed. She touched my cheek and carefully caressed my cheek with her thumb as she kissed me.

I let my mouth fall open and I met her warm tongue with my own. She had such strength and power and certainty. Kissing her never ever felt like an empty or confusing thing. It was all encompassing and it did things to me. She tugged on my hoodie at the neck to get me to fall into her and stay.

As she pushed me away, she tugged on my bottom lip with her teeth, keeping it for a moment, and then she growled a little. 

"You are very sexy," she whispered, eyebrows raising. Her gaze darted down to my lips and then back up to my eyes. 

"I couldn't wait," I said, anxious about coming for her. 

"I'm glad," she said. "Message received. But- you're never doing it again. Promise me."

"Okay," I said, hungry for her lips and her hands. 

"Go on Romeo," she smiled at me. "And take your ladder away. I'll just change and head right down."

"Okay," I spoke, nervously.

At this point my whole body was shaking from my own excitement and all the nerves from getting to actually see her alone.

I tried not to wobble on my way back down. The ladder was solid but I was a shaky mess. I missed an important rung and ended up sliding all the way down into Blair's body which cushioned and caught me, quickly.

"Whoa- you okay," Blair whispered, holding me.

I felt my toes touch the dirt and then I turned awkwardly. "Yeah," I said, parched. "We can, take the ladder back now. She's going to come out to meet us."

"Good," Blair said, sensing my fragile state and my shotty nerves. "You're shaking," Blair noticed.

"Yeah," I breathed. "Come on."

We moved the ladder away from the house and folded it up again to carry it out.

"How'd it go?" Blair whispered, once we were more toward the truck than the house.

"I- I don't actually know," I spoke honestly.

Now that I had the time to think my mind was brought back to April secretly touching herself in her room. 

I couldn't really see her body or anything. But I saw her face and. Well. I don't know. I just knew. Blair always told me it was normal but I could never really get there, not comfortably. It always made me hot and stressed out and confused. And she was right, it made me feel guilty. I will say, it's very different then the feeling I get when April actually touches me. That's almost like a nightmare versus a dream.

We put the ladder in the back of the truck and waited inside the cabin with the engine and all the lights shut off. It was cold but Blair was too smart to leave the car on outside the house in the night. 

"You don't have to tell me," she randomly said.

"Oh!" I said, remembering that she had asked. "No. We kissed," I said touching my fingertips to my lips. I could smell April on me. Not just her normal smell. But the secret sweet smell. I had touched her hands right after she had touched herself. "Oh god!" I said, pulling my fingers down and holding them.

"What? What is it?"

"Oh! Um. Nothing!" I smiled and tried to shake the anxious sensation away. I never really thought to imagine. What it would be like. What she would smell like. I breathed in again and held my fingers in my lap. 

The door at my side popped quietly open and I looked down to see April stepping up into the truck to sit with me in the front passenger side. She was wearing her sporty running clothes and her eyes were a darker blue in the night.

"Yay! You came," I said, quickly taken.

"Of course," she laughed. She touched my face again and kissed me. "Sterl," she breathed, pressing her forehead to my cheek. 

"What? What is it?" I whispered.

"You keep acting like we're never going to see each other again."

"Oh," I said, nervous.

I couldn't apologize. I didn't even know why I was doing it. My chest was filled with this warmth and this burning.

"It's okay," she whispered sweetly. 

Blair's voice broke through my confusion. "Should I like… I dunno, move the truck?"

"Yes," April said. "It's freezing in here. You two are crazy."

"Sorry," I said, unable to get my words out.

Blair started the car and we instantly felt a quick blast of hot heat. 

April touched me sweetly, her body was half on my lap.

"I think I'm scared," I whispered.

"Scared of what?" April whispered back. Her lips rest against my hair and she held my arm, pretty much holding my body. I shifted to pull her more onto me since we were sharing the passenger seat. 

"Losing you, I guess."

"I'm not going anywhere," she secretly said. 

I felt her fingers rubbing against the side of my neck. "You need to be calm," she advised. "The world hasn't exactly been kind to you lately."

"Yeah, no duh," I heard Blair grumpily mutter.

"Jesus. Do we always have to bring her," April asked.

"For now," I confirmed. Blair had her reasons and I definitely understood. If I ever tried to do this to her with Miles she would murder me.

Blair drove the truck all the way back to our house. We were all sleepy and quiet. April pet my skin and tried to calm me as we made our way back. 

My heart beat fast, refusing to settle. It would skip and then slow, skip and then slow, like some wild love song. 

"Breathe, Sterl," April whispered inside of me. 

I took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. 

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Any time," I smiled.

"Okay, you guys are good now," Blair said. "If you want to leave just wake me up." She parked the truck and quickly left us alone with the heat on.

I swallowed, more nervous than I could say. Beside April, my body was naturally alive. Fight or flight mode. All her attempts at calming me only made me more thirsty and hungry to taste her.

She leaned her back against the door and smiled back at me in the cabin light.

"I can't decide if I should be mad at you," she shared. 

"You don't look mad."

"Yeah. That's because I know how sensitive you are."

I swallowed again and rubbed my hand on her upper thigh, urging her to keep being near me and never move far away.

Her mouth fell open and her hand touched down onto mine to stay with me. 

I could tell I affected her when I touched her.

"We should probably talk about what you were doing."

"What? Why?" She asked, confused. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does."

"Fine," she breathed. "What do you want to know?"

"How. Um. How often do you. You know. Do that." It was a stressful question for me to ask.

April laughed and flushed. She ran her hand through her hair and shook her head. "I don't know Sterl. I'm not keeping score."

"Oh," I said, trying to imagine that. 

"Hey," she said, finding my hand again and squeezing it. "I couldn't sleep," she said. "Sometimes it helps me."

I nodded but I still didn't understand. Why was everyone else so comfortable with their body. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I shrugged. Nervous. 

April laughed. "You are such a terrible liar."

I looked over at her, upset.

"None of that," she said, leaning in again and kissing me.

As her tongue slipped inside me, my eyes rolled back in my head. Her thighs on my lap ignited me. 

I let my hand push up her thigh again and grip at her skin over her clothes. 

"Fuck-" April gasped in my mouth. Not stopping before eagerly kissing me again. "Was this your plan?"

I shook my head, no. My only plan was to stop myself from thinking depressing things.

"You taste so good," I whined, dreamily. 

Her body was so nice. I kept feeling her thigh and riding up higher on it with my hand, feeling as she tensed, gasped, and reacted to me. 

"Should we go inside?"

"No," she said, so sure. "Let's keep the heat on and get in the back."

"Okay," I said, shakily. April peeled her black quarter-zip off and climbed over the center console to move off into the back. 

We didn't really talk about it much, what we would do if we could, how we should go about advancing things that were so elevated and physical. Instead we had nights like this where things just sort of happened and we both got lost with one another, unsure of whether or not this was the wrong or right way.

I took my hoodie off, and then my shoes. In just my tank top and socked feet, I crawled into the back and let April push me back to get me to lay down. 

She leaned down and pressed her body against mine, tangling up with me like we'd done the other day. Her hand pressed at my side, over my stomach. And when she kissed me I felt her body pressing up onto mine. 

"Does it bother you," she panted. She leaned up a little and looked down on me.

"Hm? What?" I asked, dazed.

"That I… Do that," she asked, swallowing.

"Oh. Oh!" I said, realizing she was still talking about the whole masturbation thing. "No," I said, feeling the heat rise up to my cheeks. "It's pretty hot actually."

"Yeah?" She smirked, surprised by me. 

"I'm not. I…"

"Tell me," April urged. Her body was pressed against mine and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed in the best sort of way. 

"Blair was right when she spoke about me."

"You'll have to be more specific honey."

I melted a little. 

"I like when you say things like that."

"Yeah?" She asked, smiling some more. 

She pushed her hair back behind her ear and laid her hand down on my chest, rubbing my skin over my heart. "You're all keyed up," she breathed. "I can feel your heart going a mile a minute. I didn't even have to touch it to know."

I bit my bottom lip and stared up at her. 

"I keep thinking about you," I said. 

"And what do you think?" She asked, curiously.

"That if I'm not touching you I might combust."

"I get that," she laughed. "That's the same way I feel about you."

"Is it?"

"Mhmm," she nodded, watching me closely. "I missed you all day today. And I worried. A lot."

"Sorry," I said, worried back. "If it makes you feel any better it really was a terrible day."

"I hate that," April said, worried about me. I could actually somehow feel her heart sinking down inside her chest. "I wish I could protect you."

"Me too," I said, softened by her.

"Would it have helped if I stayed with you today?"

I played with her hand, rubbing my thumb in the center of her palm and feeling her warmth and softness.

"We went to the house where my mom grew up."

"Your mom," April said. 

"My mom's," I clarified.

"How was it?"

"Bad," I said. The way April physically felt was distracting me. 

April dipped down and kissed my neck, licking it and making out with my skin. 

Again my eyes rolled and I tilted my head back. I felt this touch down deep in my sex but I knew she hadn't ever come close to truly touching me there. 

"Don't think about it," April begged. 

"Okay," I swallowed, too hot with wanting to process much of anything else. 

I held her side and slipped my hand up into her hair as she kept kissing me in the one spot, breaking me down a little each time, wetting me through. I whined a little, becoming undone for her. 

"You're so sexy," she whispered. 

I breathed out and tightened my grip in her hair. 

"Thanks for coming to find me tonight."

I laughed a little. "I always want to come and find you."

"I'm glad you did," April said. "Even if I did explicitly ask you not to."

"Yeah," I laughed, turned on. 

April held my hip and pushed down on it as she continued to torture me. 

My mouth opened and I let out a silent yell. "Where did you learn that?"

"Just here," she said, licking me. 

"You're killing me."

April laughed and leaned up to look down on me. "Should I stop?"

"No!" I begged. "Don't!"

"Okay," she chuckled. "You should probably stop talking then."

Her leg rubbed up over mine. I reached down and grabbed at the back of her thigh to get her leg to climb higher on me and stay. April hummed and made out with my skin.

"You're getting more attractive," she whispered.

"I think that makes two of us," I barely found strength to breathe out two words.


	12. Let it be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April and Sterling are finally alone long enough to indulge their cravings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is officially book-length. I figured it was about time they explored what they've been searching for. 
> 
> Warning: this chapter is all physical, if you're not up for that do not read.

**Chapter 12**

April had a way and I got lost in her so easily.

One minute turned to two and then four.

Pretty soon my tank top was riding up my body and April's fingers had carefully unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down my zipper. 

Her tongue belonged in my mouth. And she breathed inside me as her hand slipped up my stomach and pressed firmly against my skin. 

"Can I touch you?" She asked.

"Mhmm," I nodded, not wanting her to stop. 

We'd never done this before but I'd been wanting this to happen for a very long time. 

She pulled back and tilted her head so that she could look down on me. 

As her hand slid slowly down my body to smooth inside my pants she watched my face openly.

My eyes rolled back and I braced myself as her hand slipped in over my underwear and stroked my sex. 

My own hand swam up and squeezed her arm. The pressure was good but I'd never felt such intense pleasure. My mouth hung open as I tried to find air.

She hadn't even touched me really but I was so wet already, from kissing her and just being near her. I squeezed her arm and felt my body reacting to her everywhere.

April breathed and watched me. "You okay?" She asked.

I let my eyes find hers and I smiled as my body shivered from her slow and perfect touching.

"Yeah," I nodded.

She smiled back then and dipped her head down to kiss at my neck as she rubbed me again. 

"Whoa!" I said, not expecting my body's intensity. So this was how it was supposed to feel?

Wow… I never ever knew.

April stroked me a few more times and my breathing was so deep and intense. 

Then she slipped her hand up and carefully snuck her fingers inside my underwear. 

I knew I was soaked to the bone, like a deep river only warm.

April gasped a breath in and I let one out, watching her.

"Sterl," she gasped, surprised. 

I moved my hand down to hers and held her to stay as my body rocketed through the most intense organsm I had ever felt.

Once it was done, I moved my hands to hold lightly at her forearm. 

April smiled down on me, completely taken. 

She kissed me again and kept touching me so gently. I had another orgasm and then another. April crawled ontop of my body and pulled her tank top off. 

She slipped my fingers inside her mouth and sucked on them as she sat ontop of my sex and rubbed on me with her lowerbody.

My entire body tensed at that. And every time she moved I felt it everywhere. But just her mouth on my fingers was enough to get me to release again. I'd never felt this much in my whole life.

I wanted her to know what it felt like.

April seemed content to keep trying things with me. Her eyes were so beautiful as they watched me, all glossy and serious. 

We didn't speak at all and things kept changing and moving and happening. 

While she was on me, I realized how selfish I'd been. It must've been hours now that we'd been alone in this truck and I still hadn't touched her. 

I bucked my hips and watched as her head tilted back and she moaned. 

My hands pushed up on her thighs as I bucked again and purposely squeezed her.

Her hands held mine, squeezing them back. I pushed my body up and shifted her to lean back so I could kiss her. My hand slipped up her back, feeling the cool sweat on her soft skin. She gasped in my mouth. And pretty soon I was leading her back to get her to lay down.

I kissed her neck the way she had kissed mine and she let out a sexy moan as her arms clung loosely around my neck and her thighs still hugged against my sides. 

I kissed down her body and moved my hands to her joggers and underwear to pull them down. 

I watched her, making sure that she was down.

April moved her hands to mine and helped me take her pants and underwear off. We both laughed and she was really really blushing. 

I looked down at her body and stroked her stomach with my hand as she watched. 

I wasn't sure what I was really supposed to do but I knew I wanted to taste her. Ever since before with her sweet secret smell. I wanted to know. 

I moved down on the seat and leaned in close to her sex to carefully taste.

"Shit!" April gasped. Her entire body tensed and her hand gripped the skin of my shoulder and tightly squeezed.

I rolled my eyes and licked her again, then again. She was soft, warm, and so sweet.

It was addicting and her body kept responding to me, building and building like a volcano right before an eruption.

April's hand held mine on her stomach. When I licked her she would squeeze my hand.

I watched her body tense and then shiver. 

Then I moaned against her sex and felt it as she exploded soft and fast against my face. There was a gush of warmth against my tongue.

"Mmmm," I hummed, not wanting to move. 

She pulled my face up and led me up to her. The intensity she showed was always so sexy. 

I was hesitant but as soon as my face was near hers she was kissing me hungrily. I laughed, overwhelmed. But then I felt her body beneath mine, how absolutely perfect it was.

Pretty soon I was kissing her again, just like I'd done when we first crawled into the back of dad's truck. I wanted to keep her and never ever stop doing just this. April was a dream and she was so so sexy.

Pretty soon I was touching her, just like she had touched me. As I stroked her slick wetness she panted in my ear and clung to me. 

I liked this. So much. It felt right and not confusing. 

As she was just about to cum I slipped down her body again and replaced my fingers with my soft tongue.

April cried out as she very quickly came against me.

By now the sun was up. It had gotten brighter inside the truck. 

I kissed up her skin, devouring every piece of her. And when I got to her neck I dragged my tongue up the side until I got to her ear. "We should probably get dressed soon."

"I know," she whined out. "But I don't want to."

"Me either," I said, kissing her cheek. 

I licked her neck and sucked hard against her skin, wanting to leave a mark.

"Sterl!" April cried. Her hand squeezed my thigh, fingernails biting hard into my skin.

"Sorry," I chuckled. "I couldn't help it."

A knock came at the truck door and my whole body tensed ontop of April's as I fully covered her to protect.

"It's me," Blair said. "Dad's up. You guys should probably get out of there."

"Oh no," I said, quickly moving to find April's clothes and hand them to her. 

As we frantically dressed we laughed and April paused halfway through to reach over and kiss me. 

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" I wondered.

"Tonight," she said. "This morning."

I watched her face and wondered how she felt about everything.

There was a permanent blush on my cheeks. I'd never felt so good in my whole life. 

She kissed me again as I struggled to button my pants and pull my zipper up.

"You're so sexy," she whispered.

"What? No I'm not," I blushed even more. The fact that she could even find me attractive at all was pretty shocking. 

"You can't win a fight with me on this one. Come on, I've gotta go."

"Oh!" I said, remembering. 

I pulled my hoodie on and scrambled out of the truck, helping April out by the hand. 

It was cold outside and April pushed her body against mine and we hugged. 

"What should we do?" I wondered.

"I- am going to run home," she said. "Make it seem like I got up early and went for a run."

"I can drive you," I said.

"No. It's good," she said, touching her hand to my stomach and rubbing it. "It's believable."

"Oh," I said, wondering. "Well.."

April stepped up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. "Will I see you at school?"

"Um. Sure. Yeah," I dazed. Everything was happening so quickly. I was still back with her in the truck, in my head. I didn't want her to go.

"Okay. Bye Sterl."

"Bye," I said, a little lost as I watched her walk away.

She turned back at the end of my driveway and smirked at me and she began to put her hair up. 

I watched her, completely taken. 

She only gave it a second before she full-on began to run. 

My body betrayed me, jogging after her just a little. I watched her run away from me down the street. 

"Sterl!"

I turned to see Blair urging me back inside from the front door. 

She was right, our parents were up and I should go back inside but I really did not want to.


	13. Hey, No Pressure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep debating on whether or not to continue this fic - it's been pretty quiet in this fandom lately

**Chapter 13**

_**Hey, No Pressure** _

I was barely inside when Blair grabbed my wrist and led me quickly up the stairs to her room. 

“Hey, ow,” I said, tripping up after her.

She shut the door and locked it. “Okay, that was really close,” she said. “You weren’t supposed to stay down there all night, Sterl! Dad could’ve found you two.”

I shrugged.

Blair looked me up and down and then she smirked. She tilted her head to the side a little and squinted her eyelids suspiciously. 

I leaned back and then looked down at myself. “What? What is it? Is there a bug?” I hated bugs. If there was a bug I would freak.

“No,” Blair said, crossing her arms. 

“Okay,” I shrugged and held up my hands in confusion

“What's going on with you," Blair asked, suspiciously.

"What?" I asked. I held my stomach with my hand. "Nothing," I lied. 

"Yeah right," Blair said. "You're like. Glowing." She waved her finger in front of me and pointed it at my body.

"What?!" I laughed. "Oh, my God. Shut up. That's so stupid."

"Uuuuum. No it's not," she smirked. "Did you two- like- finally-"

"Okay! Blair! It's early- stop." I fought her.

"Fine," she said, turning away from me. "But you should probably get ready. I'm starving. And unlike you. I actually have to go to school."

"I'll go," I said.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I think I spent enough time contemplating my miserable existence."

"Okay! Well, yay! Go-" Blair said, pushing me away toward the bathroom. "If we leave soon we can dodge mom and dad."

"Oh! Good idea," I realized.

I slipped into the bathroom and took the hottest shower of my life. At one point I leaned my head against the cold tile wall and didn't move for maybe ten minutes but Blair pounded on the door, scared the crap out of me, and reminded me that I did say I would go with her to school instead of being a perpetual space-case.

It'd be weird to be back. The last time I went inside was at the lockdown. 

Despite my fears, I got dressed and Blair helped me to do my hair since she was a lot faster than me. 

By the time we got to school I was a little stressed about going inside.

"You can still back out."

"Yeah," I said, acknowledging that. 

"No one is really expecting you to be okay."

"True."

"But anyway. It's just school," Blair said, trying to play it down. "No big deal."

"I don't like having to explain things."

"Then don't," Blair said. "Plead the fifth. You owe these sheep nothing."

I smiled over at her and pushed her shoulder. "Have I mentioned lately how great you've been?"

"You have not," Blair said. "But it's okay. I never forget."

"Well, it's true," I swallowed. "Whenever I'm spiraling you're always there to help pull me out of it."

"It's a tough job," Blair joked. "But you're my person," she said. "If anything bad ever happens to you, I'll die."

"That's sweet," I said. "And. Me too. Obviously."

Blair laughed and touched my arm.

"Have you talked to Miles?" I asked. 

"He's been ignoring me, " Blair said. "I think I need to find a new guy to crush on. Which would be easy if Miles wasn't already inside me."

"What?"

"He's like, underneath my skin. Like a burn or- a slow festering infection."

"What if he's right though? For you. The right one?"

"If he is, I am most definitely screwed. Things haven't been easy."

"I'm sorry," I said, holding her hand.

"He's just such a touchy person, Sterl. There's so many secrets. And then he acts like I'm being crazy for being upset that he doesn't tell me things."

"Because of the bounty hunter stuff?"

"Yeah, maybe," she said, beaten down. "But he's the exact same way."

"You still haven't told him?"

"Why should I?"

"Maybe it will help," I suggested. "Maybe it will explain some things. What if he thinks you've been blowing him off? Dating other guys? Miles has always been insecure about that. And he thinks the world of you."

"Yeah well. He has no reason to think that I’m cheating," Blair bit on her straw, all agitated and annoyed. "And if I  _ was _ seeing someone else I would tell him. I'm not an asshole, Sterl."

"Well, what's his past like?"

"His last girlfriend  _ did _ cheat on him with some painter, some artist dude. He's clearly not over that."

"Well, see! That explains it!" I said. "It's not about you! It's about his past. You can't blame yourself for something like that."

"All I know is, he's been taking everything out on me. Cold to me when he wants to be. Hot with me when he decides it's a good time."

"That's not fair," I said, saddened. 

"I know," Blair said. “And if I didn’t actually like him so much I would’ve already told him to go fuck himself.”

"Well, maybe you can get back together later on? When he knows himself?"

"I don't know," Blair dazed. "We better go in Sterl."

"Yeah," I nodded, realizing. I didn't mean to stall. I was honestly curious about Miles. They always seemed to be on and off.

We got out and I walked close to Blair, scared to let her go or be alone in the hall.

People were already staring at me. 

"I hate this," I whispered.

"Fuck 'em," Blair reminded. 

As we approached fellowship Hannah B and Ezekiel appeared out of nowhere and stopped us in the middle of the hall.

"Sterling!" Hanna B said. She threw her arms around my shoulders and gave me a full body hug. If anything it was too close. "We're so glad to see you're okay! Everything we've heard has been so terrible."

"About your mom," Ezekiel clarified.

"What - is that," Blair asked, pointing ahead of herself at the piece of art that Ezekiel was holding.

"Oh! We made you a present," Hannah B said. It was huge and Ezekiel was holding it out in front of his chest.

"It's a painting of a heart with Jesus on it," Ezekiel explained. 

"Ezekiel recreated Jesus. That's why he's so handsome,” Hannah B explained.

"Not exactly the word I would use," Blair muttered comically.

"Oh wow. Thank you," I said. It was a little creepy and somehow also sexy but at least they were being sweet. A kind gesture.

"I like that he's wearing no clothes. And that you gave him a fanny pack and a little holster for his hammer," Blair noted. 

"Oh! Thanks!" Ezekiel smiled. 

I think the idea was that Jesus was a carpenter and he was mending up my heart?

"Excellent accessories," Blair noted.

"And what are we still doing in the hall?" I heard April bite. But then she noticed me. "Oh. Sterling," she said, swallowing.

"April," I nodded.

"It's um- I mean- I'm glad to see that you're alive,” she pinched out.

"Yes, April. Everyone is glad to see that Sterling is alive. And we already told her," Ezekiel rolled his eyes. 

April stared at him until he looked right at her. Blair and I watched as April angrily mouthed for him to:  _ GO- AWAY. _

"Uh-oh," Hannah B said, panic rising. "We better get inside. Come on Ezekiel."

Ezekiel stared at April and hissed like a cat as Hannah B used both of her hands to lead him away.

Blair, April, and I all looked at each other and shared a laugh. 

_ Sorry _ , April mouthed to me apologetically.

_ It's okay _ , I mouthed back. 

April reached forward and touched her hand to mine. 

"Iiii think I'll leave you two alone for a second," Blair smirked and wandered away. Once she got behind April's back she made lewd gestures. It only took a moment to get me to blush so hard that I knew I was beet-red with it.

"How- um. How are you?" April asked, looking sheepishly up at me.

"Uh- really good," I said and laughed. "I um. Had a really good night last night. Maybe the best night I've ever had."

"Yeah?" She smiled sweetly, surprised.

"Mhmm," I nodded. "This… Wonderful girl," I swallowed, smiling. 

April laughed all bashful. "I know the feeling," she said. 

"Oh! We um. Don't have to talk about it," I laughed nervously. "If you're worried."

"I'm not," April said, biting her lip. It was clear that my presence had distracted her. She was staring up at me like she too was in love. "Oh! We um. We should go in though. And. Not talk about this- here."

"Right," I nodded, following her. Just her presence relaxed me a little. I felt safer around her.

If she wanted it to be a secret I could do that for now. Blair was right about it being better than not having April in my life. But I worried, for the both of us. I worried that this secret thing might hurt us somehow in the end.

When we got into fellowship April chased Hanna B and Ezekiel right off of the couch so that we could sit together. Everyone wanted to know about what happened to me in my own words. I sucked it up and told them all everything. Which led to questions about biology and faith. They were asking me questions I hadn't even had time to consider like whether or not I felt more of a connection to god or less after everything I'd been through. 

I didn't know what to say so I rambled. 

The rest of the day was a mess of overthinking because of all that.

If you asked me to repeat what I said in fellowship I knew I wouldn't be able to. My whole world was a blur.

I spent the rest of my day growing lost in my mind. Remembering every small detail of my night with April, trying to hold it and keep it inside.

**Author's Note:**

> I really love this show. Let me know if you like this and or would like more!


End file.
